Kellyanne Conway: Unless Dems Prove Russia Probe Relates to Benghazi, They’re Wasting Millions

WASHINGTON, D.C. — White House senior adviser Kellyanne Conway told Democrats in an interview over the weekend that unless they can prove somehow that Russian meddling in last year’s election is tied to the September 11th, 2012 attack in Benghazi, Libya, that they are just “wasting everyone’s time and millions of their dollars.”

“I just think at this point the American people are going to get tired of the Democrats wasting so much money on an obvious witch hunt,” Ms. Conway told viewers on National Right-Wing TV this Sunday, “and it’s just sad. I mean, it would be one thing if they could tie Russia to Benghazi, but they can’t, so we’re stuck.”

Conway said it’s “just disgraceful” that Democrats “apparently care more about the integrity of our elections than they do about the money we spend.”

“Call me crazy, and literally most everyone I meet says I have crazy eyes so there’s that, but I happen to think spending money on something like this Russia probe is just a shame, when you have so many job creators out there not able to buy their sixth or seventh vacation condo.”

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Ms. Conway characterizes the multiple investigations into her boss’s presidential campaign and whether or not he attempted to obstruct justice in firing former FBI Director James Comey as “total witch hunts.”

“I’m sorry, but I have to say I’m shocked and appalled at how much more the media is covering this Russia and obstruction stuff,” Conway said, “than they did Benghazi. I mean, does a lack of any evidence that Obama or Hillary did anything wrong really exonerate them? On the flip side, does it really matter that President Trump tried to personally intervene in an ongoing FBI investigation into one of his friends, just because that’s the literal definition of obstruction of justice?”

During the interview, Conway was asked if Americans should be concerned that their Attorney General apparently lied under oath during his confirmation hearing in the Senate and declined to answer questions in his testimony last week.

“Of course not,” Conway insisted, “because everyone knows Republicans literally cannot commit perjury. Jesus Christ made us in his image, literally, and that means we’re just totally incapable of lying. Yeah, that’s the ticket! We can’t even lie if we wanted to. So again, I ask, what’s all the hubbub, Bub?”

Hillary Clinton was reached for comment in a wooded area and had just a five word response.

“Oh, for fuck’s fucking sake,” Clinton said with a deep, deep sigh.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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