Keebler Elves Release Statement Apologizing For “Runaway, Rogue, Racist Little Shithead Elf” Ending DACA

The Keebler Cookie Company has released the following statement in response to Attorney General Jeff Sessions announcing that the Trump Department of Justice would be winding down the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, or DACA, program. It’s estimated that around 800,000 people could have their legal status put in jeopardy by the administration’s decision to rescind an executive order issued by former President Obama protecting those who were brought to the country illegally by parents before they were adults. The qualification process for a DACA waiver is extensive and requires a clean criminal record, though Sessions and Trump have argued that the program needed to be ended to preserve law and order.

The decision to end DACA has already drawn sharp rebuke from lawmakers in both the Republican and Democratic parties, and from Silicon Valley. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg called it a “sad day.”

“To be honest,” Keebler’s press representative told reporters in a conference call about the statement this morning, “we were a little taken aback by how much clearer you can understand Jeff when his hood’s off.”

The statement from the Keebler elves casts even heavier scorn and derision Sessions’ and Trump’s way, and is reprinted verbatim, below.

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The Keebler elves condemn in the strongest terms possible the actions and words spoken by one of our own runaway, rogue, racist little shithead elves. We know perhaps better than some groups what discrimination based on factors out of our control looks and feels like. For Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions to take part in any activities that help further cement entrenched racial animus among some unsavory elements of his political party’s base is sickening to us, and it goes against our oath we swear to one another, as protectors of the Cookie Goddess’s Secret Recipes, but also as good and decent beings of Earth.

We Keeblerians are by our very nature open and inclusive. We cannot afford as a people to discriminate against anyone based on any factors. We want everyone to buy and enjoy our delicious cookies, regardless of their race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, credo, code, or guiding principles. Cookies might not be good for you, but they are good for your soul, if you believe in such a thing. If not, they’re just delicious treats, enjoyed by people of all walks of life.

It is gross and appalling that Jeff wants to punish children for the alleged crimes of their parents. We find it laughable in the extreme that Jeff wants us to take his commitment to law and order seriously when he was the one who lied under oath to congress during his Senate confirmation hearing. Had he not done that, he wouldn’t have had to recuse himself from the ongoing, criminal investigation into his boss’s potential collusion with Russia during last year’s election. He has committed the crime of lying to Congress, but he wants us to trust him when it comes to justice? 

Apparently it doesn’t count if you break the law as a shriveled, racist rotten apple-faced fantastical creature from the Mystical Land of Lynchings.

We’d like to apologize to everyone in America who isn’t a racist or ill-informed Republican at this time. We knew decades ago that Jeff was a racist piece of shit; that’s why we kicked him out of the fraternal brotherhood of cookie elves we all belong to. And his racism was why he couldn’t get a federal judge’s bench back in the 80’s. So if you were wondering why that impish little fuck could barely keep the smile off his face, it’s because he was finally getting to make a bold swipe for White America against brown people. 

Seriously, America, we’re sorry. We should’ve put Jeff on the Island of Shamed Elves a long time ago, and we didn’t. He was just such a vile little booger that none of us wanted to be around him long enough to kick him into the Chasm of Chocolate Chips that leads to the island. Imagine that, someone so repulsive that we couldn’t even be with him long enough to cast him him into exile. We only got rid of that dumb ass by telling him we were going to be hiring a bunch of darker skinned elves. He took off for Alabama after that and never came back.

In light of recent developments, the Keebler Elves will be donating a portion of every cookie sold to the American Civil Liberties Union. Hopefully, with a strong response from the ACLU, America can once again get back to the business of keeping its promises to people who did nothing wrong, and who only want to continue to be good, productive members of society. We know for a fact that Jeff Sessions was never put through the same rigorous standards to stay in the country that Dreamers were, and our shame and embarrassment that he was once one of us is something we can never live down.

Shame on you, Jefferson Beauregard Keebler Sessions. Shame on you. 

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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