Kansas Bombing Plot Conspirator: ‘We’re Religious Extremists Fighting Religious Extremism With Religious Extremism’

TOPEKA, KANSAS — One of the three suspects in the domestic terror plot that was recently foiled in Kansas has released a short statement, which was read to reporters by a public defender this morning.

“During the upcoming trial,” Patrick Stein wrote, “our entire story will come to light. But before any of that takes place, I wanted to explain as simply as possible why it is that the three of us were plotting to car bomb an apartment complex full of Somali immigrants.”

Stein, Curtis Allen, and Gavin Wright, all three middle-aged, white Christian conservatives, were arrested in Kansas last Friday on charges alleging they planned to bomb an apartment building. The building is in a city in Kansas known for having a heavy Somali immigrant population. According to court documents, the three men intended to load up four cars with explosives and detonate them within the apartment complex, where many families with children live.

Stein’s letter explained that while neither he nor either of his two co-conspirators thought of themselves as “haters or bigots” they don’t “like the idea of Muslims from another country committing white genocide” by immigrating to the United States and living and working here.

“What better way to silently take over a country and wipe its beautiful white population out than to come here to work and make a better life for yourself and your family,” the letter asked rhetorically, “so if that makes us bigoted, just because we’re so intolerant of a group of people with different beliefs than us that we’d plot a mass murder of them, then we don’t live in America anymore!”

In simple terms, Stein’s letter sought to explain the conspirators’ core values and reasoning behind the bombing plot.

“Quite frankly,” Stein wrote, “we’re just good ol’ country boys trying to do right by America. We’re fighting for traditional Christian values in the only way we see fit now. In other words, we’re religious extremists fighting religious extremism with religious extremism. I know it makes sense to us, and we’re sure a jury of our peers will feel the same way…provide our peers are as dumb and hate-blind as we are, of course.”

According to the papers filed, the three men had ties to anti-government hate groups. Their goal was to carry out their attacks some time after Election Day. All three men will face a charge of conspiracy to use a weapon of mass destruction.

This is a developing story.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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