President Obama to Declare President Obama As Justice Scalia’s Replacement Via Executive Order

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning and unprecedented move, President Barack H. Obama (D-Kenya), announced this morning at a press conference that he would “act alone since Republicans seem unwilling to” and he will install himself as Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia’s replacement on the highest court in the land by way of an Executive Order.

“Look, there are only a few months left in my presidency,” Obama said, “and I’m just getting tired of hiding all my totally true conspiracies to bring down America from within. It’s just exhausting pretending not to be the Kenyan-Communist-Socialist-Nazi-Muslim destroyer of all things American, and I’m tired of it after all these years.”

Obama told reporters his plan was “simple enough.” First, he’d nominate a “decent, good candidate with a fine track record of good jurisprudence” and when congressional Republicans blocked that person’s nomination, he’d “get out [his] trusty pen and phone” and sign Executive Order 1138, which he said he drafted one night in the Lincoln bedroom while holding a seance to contact the ghost of Saul Alinsky, looking for guidance.

President Obama said he could “all but promise” that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell would “block Jesus Christ himself” if he were to nominate him for Scalia’s seat, so he said to himself, “Why not give the crazies what they know I’ve been dying to give them since before I was elected and swore by blood oath to George Soros and Saul Alinsky?”

“Contained within Order 1138 are a very specific set of instructions,” Obama told reporters, “for installing me as Justice Scalia’s replacement. From there, I should be able to invoke Super Special Secret Order 725, which all Constitutional scholars who attend Harvard are told about.” Super Special Secret Order 725 gives any Democratic president the ability to declare the presidency null and void if he or she holds both the presidency and a seat on the Supreme Court bench.

Obama said SSSO 725 has been the “stuff of Democratic dreams and Republican nightmares” for decades, and finally with Scalia’s passing he can “invoke Emperor Soros’ grand vision for America.”

“Once the presidency is declared null and void, I will hold a special session of the Supreme Court, where all nine of us will battle — to the death — and whoever comes out on top is the Supreme Chancellor of America Forever and Ever, Amen to Allah,” Obama said.

The president said that he knows announcing this plan now is risky, but he doesn’t care because he’s tired of “hiding [his] nefarious ways” and just wants to be “a good Sharia loving Islamic dictator in the open.”

“Well, I just decided after eight years of being accused of ignoring your Constitution and usurping its power for my own,” President Obama told reporters in the Rose Garden this morning, “I’d show the Republicans what that would actually look like, instead of them just seeing how normal adults govern and calling that tyranny.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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