WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s July 4th, and the Trump Administration plans to put on a “real humdinger” of a celebration to honor the signing of the Declaration of Independence later today. However, at the time of publication, sources say Press Secretary Sean Spicer is currently combing the bushes in front of the White House, desperately in search of the president’s lapel pin.
“I can’t find the piss-puss-priss-peas-PRESIDENT’S lapel pin,” Spicer shouted at reporters who asked him why he was rummaging through the bushes, “and we can’t start the special celebration we have planned for the Fourth of July until we find it!”
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Spicer said that as best the administration can guess, Trump dropped the lapel pin — which he said was a “gift from a very special comrade” — when he returned this morning from his regularly scheduled bagel, doughnut, covfefe, and deep fried hot dog run as per his usual. The only problem is that no one can figure out where President Trump might have dropped the pin.
“We already checked his two favorite rooms in the White House — the Lincoln Bedroom and the bathroom whose shitter upon which he sits and tweets his most presidential of tweets,” Spicer said, adding, “You know, tweets of animated GIFs put together by his most dedicated and most racist fans? But we still can’t find it!”
Desperate to get the festivities started, Spicer described what the lapel pin looks like so that members of the press could help him find it.
“Maybe Americans would trust your fake news organizations more if you started helping instead of hindering our great, dear leader,” Spicer said, “Let’s start with you finding the lapel pin. It’s white, blue and red.”
Reporters started scouring the grounds of the White House. Briefly, Spicer’s hopes were buoyed when a reporter from Breitbart called him over. The reporter handed Spicer a small pin in the shape of an American flag.
“Close, but no сигара, comrade,” Spicer said, shaking his head, “There aren’t any stripes on the president’s new, special pin, And the order of the stripes is — white, blue, red. Similar to our flag, but you know, лучше.”
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Mr. Spicer indicated that there are contingency plans in place, should the pin not be found.
“We’re not as dumb as you idiots say we are,” Spicer said, “and we’re just barely as incompetent, so back off! We have this furry hat here, that the president can wear, if we don’t locate his latskan, da?”
Today marks the country’s 241st, and perhaps last, birthday as a free, independent republic.
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