Judge Schroeder Invites Rittenhouse Over for Thanksgiving Dinner

KENOSHA, WISCONSIN — This morning, Alternative Facts reported that Wendy Rittenhouse, mother of acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse, wasn’t sure which table her son should sit at during Thanksgiving dinner, later this week.

As AltFacts’ story reports, Wendy is torn between putting Kyle at the kid’s table, or at the murderer’s table.

“What we’re not too sure about, though, are the seating arrangements. When he was arrested after turning himself in, Kyle was still sitting at the kids’ table. Now, I’m not sure if he belongs there, or if I should move him to the murderer’s table.” (AltFacts)

Should it become too difficult to decide where Kyle should be seated this year, though, there is a third alternative that has emerged.

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Judge Bruce Schroeder, who oversaw both the trial and Kyle’s defense, has invited the former defendant to dine with him and his family on Thanksgiving. In a letter to Kyle, Judge Schroeder congratulated him on “getting the verdict I knew you deserved and fought so hard for you to get,” and he also extended an invitation to Kyle for Thanksgiving dinner.

“We have a big family, and a lot of us are batshit crazy right-wing lunatics, so you’ll fit right in, Sweet Kyle,” Schroeder’s letter states.

“It would be my honor, and my duty as a card carrying Proud Boy, to host you and your family at my underground bunker and weapons cache. I have a special gift to give you, too, and let’s just say those cucks in the D.A.’s office will be outraged and quite TRIGGERED by it, if you catch my drift. I’m saying I got you a gun as a gift, in case that wasn’t clear, Perfect Kyle.”

Schroeder has given Rittenhouse until the end of the day Wednesday to RSVP.

“Although, it’s not like you can’t come even if you don’t RSVP. Christ knows I’m not going to hold you accountable; why start now? Hope to see you soon, Beautiful Kyle,” Schroeder wrote.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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