Judge Jackson Regrets Not Pre-Insulting Heidi Cruz’s Looks

Now that her confirmation hearings have come to a close, sources say that Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson is feeling pretty good about her chances of ascending to the Supreme Court. Ms. Jackson was nominated by President Joe Biden to fill a vacancy on the high court’s bench that will open when Justice Stephen Breyer retires later this year.

As well as Judge Jackson thinks she did under questioning from sometimes hostile and combative Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee, she has told some people that she does have one regret about her preparation for the hearings, now that she’s had time to reflect.

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According to several sources who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity, Jackson has been feeling unhappy about how contentious things got between her and Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun). Though both Cruz and Jackson went to Harvard Law School and were just a year apart in their progression, some could argue Cruz’s line of questioning was the harshest, most disrespectful, and had the most biting, direct insults associated with him.

Sources say that Judge Jackson now realizes there was one way she could have ensured that Sen. Cruz was on her side from the moment the confirmation hearings started.

In emails and text messages provided to us, Judge Jackson tells loved ones that she wishes she had thought to call Heidi Cruz, wife of Sen. Cruz, ugly, prior to the hearings kicking off. Judge Jackson believes, according to the messages, that had she “pulled a Donald” and insulted Heid’s looks, Ted “would have no other choice” but to be kind and cordial to her. Insulting Heidi Cruz’s looks is, according to one text message “almost a Republican mating call.”

Judge Jackson’s representation declined to confirm or deny the details in this story, however Sen. Cruz, ever ready to get more attention for himself, gave us a written statement addressing the accounts herein. Following is a portion of that written statement.

“Senator Cruz does in fact wish that Judge Jackson had the foresight and clarity and wisdom of judgment to call his wife, Heidi, ‘ugly.’ It would have shown her to be the kind of person worthy of praise — and of a Ted Cruz Special Taint Polishing — if she had,” Cruz wrote. “Instead, however, she chose to leave his wife’s looks not insulted, and instead give hours of cogent, salient, and expert legal opinions and viewpoints. Such a shame and a wasted opportunity, and Ugly Heidi completely agrees.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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