Josh Hawley Praises Capitol Police For Defending Him During Insurrection He Inspired

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, the U.S. Senate held its first hearings on the violent insurrection on the capitol during the January 6th, 2021 terrorist siege of Congress. During the attack, at least five people died, including D.C. police who tried in vain to stop a mob from storming into the Rotunda as Senators and House members voted to certify Joe Biden as the incoming president. Unsurprisingly, many senators took the opportunity to thank the capitol police officers who testified during the hearing about the horrors that they witnessed, and the abuse they suffered.

Even Sen. Josh Hawley (Q-MO) took the chance to thank the officers he called “brave and loyal” for their efforts that day, despite the fact that the rioters were spurred on in part by Hawley’s amplification of the former president’s lies about a stolen election. The morning of the attack, just an hour or so before it took place, Hawley was famously photographed raising his fist in solidarity to a group of people who would ultimately end up storming the capitol.

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“I just think that’s pretty neat-o, honestly. I mean, there I am, the guy who helped encourage all those violent, angry, armed people to believe the utterly fabricated lies that could have gotten us all killed,” Hawley gushed, “and you fine folks put all that aside and still protected me. Just…neat-o, folks. Well done. Bravo.”

Hawley did say that “maybe in the spirit of reciprocity,” he deserved some thanks from the capitol police.

“Although, hey, if we’re being honest maybe you guys owe me some thanks, because without my insurrection, you wouldn’t have been put in a position to be heroic,” Hawley suggested, “but I’ll let your own consciences guide your decision on how gracious you should be toward me…the guy who helped make you a hero, that’s all. No big whoop.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Ugly Wife) took Hawley’s lead and also thanked the capitol police for protecting him when he had also helped foment the insurrection.

“I’m just a humble fuckface scumbag. However, even we fuckface scumbags know bravery and a commitment to duty when we see it,” Cruz said. “Even if we ourselves are cowardly a-holes who try to sneak off to Mexico while our constituents literally freeze to death in the dark. I commend you all for putting aside your understandable knee-jerk reaction to punch me square in the mouth and protect me instead.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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