In Speech to North Korea, Kim Jong-Un Calls Trump “Pocket Rocket Man”

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA — In a speech to his nation, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un personally insulted President Donald Trump of the United States at several points. In one verbal barrage, he called Mr. Trump “Pocket Rocket Man.”

Many see the speech as a direct rebuke of Trump’s speech before the United Nations in which trump blasted Un and said that the U.S. might not have any other option but to “totally destroy North Korea.” The pair have been squaring off in the forum of public statements and on Twitter for weeks now. Tensions have risen steadily as North Korea has continued to provoke Trump and the United States’ western allies. Just days ago, North Korea fired yet another missile over Japan. The missile landed harmlessly in the ocean north of Japan, but the signal sent fro Pyongyang was clear — Un is not yet ready to back down from Trump.

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“He brags about grabbing pussies, so of course he’s got some in his pockets,” Un chided Trump, “and Pocket Rocket Man doesn’t realize he is in for the fight of his tiny handed life!”

Un continuously mocked Trump, calling the alleged billionaire and former reality-TV star a “spoiled, out of touch rich douchebag with too much time on his hands” at one point. Mr. Un said that Trump is a “blatant hypocrite, too” and also accused Trump of being “dumb, and ugly.” In an unrelated note, the International Irony Warehouse, which keeps tabs on all the planet’s supply of irony and sarcasm, noted that global irony levels plummeted as Un spoke, and they noticed a similar spike when Trump was speaking at the U.N.

“Any time these two guys talk about one another,” Dr. Jane Wharmon of the IIW told reporters, “we see precipitous dips in the supply of irony in the world. If these two ever debated in public, the schoolyard insults alone could wipe out irony on earth as we know it.”

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Un addressed worries that some have expressed over the childish, churlish, combative tone that he and Trump have with one another in his speech. Many have worried that Un and Trump are incapable of working through their issues, and have devolved into merely hurling names and missiles. Un laughed those concerns away.

“Personal insults and name calling are the the most mature and reasoned way to handle international disputes between nuclear powers, obviously,” Un said, “and if I catch any one of you saying otherwise, you’ll pay big.”

The White House, hearing of Un’s speech, has issued a statement in response.

“What a burn, what a cut,” Trump wrote, “stick your finger in your butt, Rocket Man!”

The Earth was a fun place to live for awhile, and then we all died thanks to two stunted adolescents in adult bodies.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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