Doctors: John McCain’s Brain Tumor Closely Connected to His Heart, Soul, Humanity

MAYO CLINIC, ARIZONA — As Senator John McCain (R-AZ), rushed back to the nation’s capital to cast a deciding vote on the Senate Republicans’ plan to advance legislation that would repeal the Affordable Care Act, doctors at the hospital in which he received his life-saving brain tumor surgery made a startling announcement.

“It turns out, Senator McCain’s brain tumor is closely connected to his heart,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieu told reporters at a press conference from the Mayo Clinic, “At least we think it is, because frankly some of his scans are coming up negative for a heart at all.”

Senator McCain announced last week that he was diagnosed with brain cancer. It was unclear at the time whether he’d vote to proceed with the motion to proceed to debate on repealing the Affordable Care Act. McCain, like every elected member of Congress, has his health care insurance paid for by the American taxpayers. Estimates from the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office show that without a replacement for Obamacare, up to 32 million Americans would be without the very same kind of care that McCain’s life depends on now.

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“What’s really interesting,” Dr. Hornaydieu said, “is that the tumor is nowhere near the part of his brain that creates feelings of empathy or sympathy. Sure, we couldn’t find his heart on a scan, but that’s typical for a white Republican of his age. But usually the brain is still functioning normally. Well, at least as normally as a white Republican brain can function.”

Dr. Hornaydieu paused.

“I mean, he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate,” Hornaydieu  reminded everyone, “Like he legit thought that Sarah Palin was competent and capable enough to be one missed heartbeat — or brain tumor in this case I guess — away from the presidency. So that’s Republican brains in a nutshell. But watching a man leave his taxpayer funded hospital bed to fly to a building paid for by the taxpayers to vote to help rip away the very same kind of care he depends on from taxpayers raised some major red flags for our staff.”

While McCain gave a long speech after the procedural vote passed, encouraging his colleagues to return to regular order and reach across the aisle, Dr. Hornaydieu was explaining to reporters why McCain’s speech might differ from how he behaves.

“Sure, you’re not wrong if you see Senator McCain talk about returning to regular order right after he voted for irregular order,” Hornaydieu said, “but that’s probably a function of the tumor. Or his Republican principles. Either way. Tumor or Republican principles, from a medical standpoint, I’m not sure that there’s a difference or distinction there.”

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Dr. Hornaydieu said that the tumor has also been linked to other things.

“His humanity and soul,” Hornaydieu said, “which I know is weird, because normally doctors wouldn’t be able to comment on that. But this is a satirical news story so there aren’t any rules, and the author just really wanted to hit Senator McCain where he lives one more time because the craven, delusional, senile old bastard hypocrite deserves all the hell he catches for what he just pulled.”

Senator McCain’s office could not be reached for comment as he was out doing a victory lap, high-fiving Republican donors and chanting, “Tax break! Tax break!” all the livelong day.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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