John McCain Asks Mayo Clinic to Prepare Brain Surgery Bill in iPhones

MAYO CLINIC, ARIZONA — Senator John McCain told the accounting staff at the Mayo Clinic to prepare the bill for his recently announced brain surgery in a surprising form of currency.

“This morning I asked the wonderful people here at the Mayo Clinic, where I am receiving the best healthcare taxpayer money can provide,” McCain wrote in a statement released to the press, “to prepare the bill for my recent brain surgery and to calculate the final amount due in iPhones.”

Social and mainstream media outlets were abuzz when news broke late Wednesday evening that McCain, who had been hospitalized for the last few days already, announced through his office that he had glioblastoma — brain cancer — and that he’d already undergone one operation for it. An outpouring of support from all sides of the political divide was seen on social media. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama both sent kind messages via Twitter.

At an early morning press conference, Gloria Henkstrom of the Mayo Clinic’s public relations firm talked about Senator McCain’s request.

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“At the Mayo Clinic,” Henkstrom told reporters, “we pride ourselves not only the quality of medical care we provide, but on the level of customer service we give each patient. If Senator McCain wishes to see his bill broken down in iPhones, then that’s what we’ll do.”

McCain was apparently inspired by the comments that former Congressman Jason Chaffetz, a Republican from Utah, made earlier this year. Chaffetz, while still in the House of Representatives, told the media that once his party is done overhauling healthcare, people will still be able to afford medical attention, but that they may have to choose to go without a new iPhone to do it. This brought scores of criticism from the left. The cost of a new iPhone is around $700, which can be as much as some people pay for insurance, and in the days before the Affordable Care Act, they may have been unable to get insurance because of pre-existing conditions.

Henkstrom said that media reports estimating the cost of McCain’s surgery to be anywhere between $5000 for fully-insured patients, and upwards of $100,000 for uninsured patients are “fairly close the mark.”

“So you can see,” McCain’s statement reads, “all you’d have to do is go without your next seven to 142 iPhones, America, and you’ll be able to afford healthcare without federal overreach. What a bargain!”

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Ms. Henkstrom indicated that after the clinic had prepared McCain’s bill in iPhones, they decided to make it a regular feature

“It sounded crazy to us at first, but now that we’ve been billing people in iPhones, we see the wisdom behind it,” Henkstrom said.

Senator McCain says in his statement that his bill proves Chaffetz’ point.

“Perhaps there’s no way to skip buying just one iPhone to pay for your surgery,” McCain said, “But skip buying the next hundred or so? Now you can get your cataracts worked on, Granny!”

Later in the day, McCain held a press conference via Skype from his hospital bed. He took a couple of questions from reporters. One reporter asked him if he was disappointed about not being in Washington, working on the repeal of Obamacare. McCain chuckled.

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“What I miss the most is planning out our War Wish List with Lindsey Graham. He and I just sit up at all hours of the night, fantasizing about which third world countries we’d invade and prop up proxy governments in so we could justify expanding the defense budget next year,” McCain said, “But would I be voting to take healthcare away from other people if I was back in D.C. right now? Well, sure. But that doesn’t make me a hypocrite. It makes me a craven, self-unaware hypocrite. But you know, freedom and liberty and don’t tread on me. You understand.”

Finally, just before the Skype conference ended, McCain was asked if he’d be delivering payment for his surgery in iPhones.

“No! I’m not buying all those iPhones,” McCain said, “I’m in Congress. The taxpayers will buy the iPhones, of course.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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