John Boehner Blasts Trump for Turning His ‘Shit Show’ of a Party Into a ‘Clusterfuck’

PICKLED LIVER, OHIO — Last week, former Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH), ripped into the Donald Trump administration, calling it a “complete disaster” by most measures. As reported by CNN, Boehner gave the Trump team some praise for getting an Obamacare replacement bill — that Senate Republicans have called dead on arrival — through the House, but said outside of that accomplishment, it’s been horrible for the White House so far.

“He’s still learning how to be president,” Boehner said during an appearance as the keynote speaker for the KPMG Global Energy Conference, according to a recap from (source)

This weekend, Mr. Boehner appeared at a bar opening to cut the ribbon and take the first sixteen ceremonial shots of scotch. After the ceremony, Boehner stuck around and answered a few questions from the media. The Ohio Republican tried to give his comments about the Trump administration’s first few months in office some additional context.

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“I’m just saying when I was in Washington,” Boehner said, a martini glass clutched in his right hand, a half-burnt Camel ultra wide in his left, “the Republican Party was a shit show. I get that. But what I was trying to say was that Trump turned my shit show of a party in to a clusterfuck.”

Boehner said that it was “one thing for [the GOP] to fake repeal Obamacare more than sixty times,” but at least they were “smart enough at the time not to put any specifics” of what they’d put in the Affordable Care Act’s place, so as not to “ruin the con.”

“We’ve been working hard for the last several decades to convince angry, white conservative working class Americans that it’s not rich people stuffing trillions in offshore banks making society suck more,” Boehner said, sloshing the martini down his throat and slurring his words a little, “and instead have them blame Mexicans or minorities. But it was a delicate balance and that orange shit sniffer ruined it. Took the wool off for a lot of people, and that cannot be good for the party as a national brand.”

Boehner took a long pull from his martini, drained it down his gullet, and took a sigh.

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“I’m afraid I just don’t know that the party I love,” Boehner said, “can go from dog whistle racism and hiding the fact that we have no real, good ideas of our own to the party of overt racism and boasting about how our policies suck but that’s okay because we are cutting taxes. Doesn’t seem like a winning formula for me, in the long run. But hey, what do I know? I didn’t exactly lead the party to greatness…just eight years of ‘Monkey in the Middle’ with the black Democrat. So there’s that…I guess. I don’t know. Fuck it! I needanotherdrink.”

When asked how he thinks Paul Ryan is doing in the job he last had, Boehner hiccuped and giggled.

“Hahaha,” Boehner said, “I’ll have a better judgment on that when he takes his mouth off the president’s ass. Wait. That’s not right of me to say.”

Boehner took another long drink from a gin and tonic he’d ordered after finishing the martini.

“I should’ve said when he gets the president’s withered orange cock out of his mouth,” Boehner said, “because that Randian sociopath is so obsessed with cutting taxes that he’s selling his soul and slurping Trump dick. The idea of co-equal branches clearly doesn’t mean shit to Paulie…fuckin’ amateur.”

The White House did not respond to requests for comment on this story as it is fake and they’d probably not know how to handle an actual fake news outlet asking them a question, and we don’t want to destroy the space-time continuum.

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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