KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Larry “God” Schumway held a press conference from the Pearly Gates this morning in which he told holy reporters that he’d just gotten off the phone with televangelist Pastor Joel Osteen, after having a conversation God described as “tense and terse but ultimately productive.”
“I called Joel and I asked him point blank, how do you fail at flood response if you’re a Christian,” God said he asked Osteen, “Because floods are, you know, kinda part of that whole Bible thing, you know?”
Osteen had come over heavy scrutiny from both liberals and conservatives for shutting his megachurch, located in Houston, to victims of Hurricane Harvey. The Lakewood Church can hold approximately 16,000 people, but through its social media channels, the church insisted it was inaccessible because of the flooding in the area. However, residents were able to go down to the church and take pictures to post on the Internet which showed very clearly that flooding had not gotten to the point that the church couldn’t open.
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“Now, look, I know my reputation with floods is little…murder-y shall we say? But that was a long time ago,” God said, “and besides, I didn’t tell Noah to shut down his ark to people. I just told him to get anyone he wanted to keep alive in that motherfucker. Duh.”
God said that despite his past homicidal tendencies with floods, he has a “New Testament problem” with Osteen’s conduct.
“Does Joel really think Jesus, my son, the dude who came down there and literally healed the sick, fed the needy, and gave sight to the blind would tell him to shut his temple to money and profit down to people in need,” God asked rhetorically, “Because he’s acting like a rich bitch who needs his face smacked with a little biblical allegory, if you ask me.”
Mr. Schumway said that Osteen was forgetting that his son performed many acts of charity and that this was his guiding, fundamental principle. He said he reminded Osteen that Christ once turned over money changer tables because he felt his father was being disrespected in a house of worship. He also reminded Osteen that his son was very specific about how much earthly riches matter to them.
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“Not at fucking all,” God said, “His being a rich asshole means absolutely nothing to me. He can stuff his camel through someone else’s eye of a needle for all I’m concerned.”
A pattern of “questionable and concerning behavior” has God questioning Osteen’s status as a member of his company. Holy Trinity, Inc. has very strict guidelines on how their representatives are supposed to comport themselves, as well as how and when to help the needy. The basic gist, God says, is “always.”
“I mean, I almost get the sense Joel’s a fake Christian, but nah, that can’t be right. That’s just too much for me to believe, that a super-wealthy guy would be more interested in protecting his tax write-offs than people being pummeled by rain and swept away in a flood,” God said with sarcasm dripping from every syllable.
Osteen and the Lakewood Church could not be reached for comment.