CHEMTRAIL FALLS, TEXAS — Podcaster Joe Rogan has been asked to re-track the entire Neil Young catalogue of music by the streaming service that paid him millions of dollars to host his show. Rogan, who told his audience the news this morning, says that he is “pumped, psyched, and totally jacked as fuck” to get the opportunity to record some of the most memorable music of the 1960’s and 1970’s.
First, however, Rogan needs to wait for someone to come into the studio’s vocal booth and lower his mic stand by at least four feet.
“Joe is a diminutive lad. On his best day, he has to stand on phone books to get on the Fantasyland rides at Disneyland,” one source familiar with the situation explained to us. “A lot of people will be blown away by how good Joe’s singing voice is, but they can’t hear him sing until his mic stand is low enough to pic up the sounds coming out of his mouth, of course.”
Rogan, who is estimated to be just over four feet tall, has been the center of quite a lot of attention and speculation, as his show is now a premier destination for anyone who wants to spread COVID or election disinformation. Young issued an ultimatum to Spotify to remove Rogan’s content, or his, and Spotify sided with their star podcaster. However, owing to the desire to keep subscribers who are also die hard Neil Young fans happy, they decided to compromise and have Rogan record Young’s entire catalog.
“Finding a mic stand that goes low enough is proving hard. But we have an order for a desktop mic stand we can just put on the floor and point up at Joe if we need to,” our source told us.
“It would only need to pick up sound from like six or eight inches away. It’s our back-up plan at his point. Joe’s also talking with Alex Jones to see if he knows whether or not we can shrink the mic stands using gay frog pheromones.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.