Joe Rogan Hopes to Ride Big Kid Rides This Summer

The summer months are, finally here! Making matters even better, the country seems to be opening back up again in earnest, after a pandemic on a global scale forced so many businesses to stay closed. One economic sector hoping for a major bounce back from the brink is tourism, and as theme parts all over the United States open back up to full capacity, Americans are champing at the bit to ride roller coasters and other other attractions.

Podcaster Joe Rogan is among the millions of Americans looking forward to getting back into amusement parks. Rogan told his audience today that “sometime very soon” he plans to visit Six Flags Magic Mountain. However, Rogan admitted he’s also feeling anxious and a little unsure about his trip.


“Not because of COVID or whatever, BRO! I ‘m going to make sure I take my B12 supplements, my horny goat weed, and slam some creatine right before taking an insane amount of DMT and snorting some coke,” Rogan said, “so I will be 100% scientistically protected from that shit, BRO!”

So what is it about Rogan’s planned outing to Magic Mountain that has him feeling so much anxiety?

“BRO! I just wanna ride big kid rides this summer. Because last year,” Rogan explained, “I was only able to ride the little kid ones! And there is no amount of popcorn or churros that can make for me not getting ride the Batman ride, or Ninja. I couldn’t even ride the stupid Matterhorn when I went to Disneyland, BRO!”

Rogan recounted a story of a trip he took to Knott’s Berry Farm two summers ago. He went thinking he’d “get to hit up some of the big coasters,” but that did not work out. Rogan said he was “absolutely devastated” and he had a “pretty good tantrum” about it.

“I spent all day riding the rides I am allowed to ride. But how much time can you spend in Camp Snoopy before you get tired of hearing the screams from people who are tall enough to ride the big kid rides,” Rogan asked rhetorically. “BRO! It made me have a pretty good cry. I pitched a pretty good tantrum when my mom said it was time to go home and I hadn’t even gotten to ride the log ride!”

Just in case Rogan finds he can’t ride any of the big kid rides when he goes to Magic Mountain, he has a plan for any subsequent theme park trips he takes this summer.

“I’ll just make a wish on the Zoltar machine at the fair this year,” Rogan explained. “I hear if you can get a quarter into his mouth with the machine unplugged, he can grant your wish to be big. And let me tell you, BRO, I wanna be BIG!”


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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