WASHINGTON, D.C. — With a scant few 430 days or so left until the 2016 presidential election, clearly if Vice President Joe Biden has got any inkling of running for his Democratic Party’s nomination, he has to make a decision soon. When one factors in the fact that predestined, pre-ordained front runner and unanimously-agreed upon pre-winner Hillary Clinton’s campaign is already in full swing, sources close to Biden know he must not wait much longer before deciding whether to challenge Clinton and the other Democratic challengers or if he’ll pursue his long-forestalled dream of opening up a dance studio in the Catskill Mountains called “Hoofin’ It Hardcore.”
Biden staffers however, are leaking word that the Vice President has in recent weeks come up with what he calls a “viable alternative” to a Clinton nomination and presidency. In a memo provided to The Political Garbage Chute from a source close to Biden, in the coming days he will request a sit-down meeting with the currently declared candidates and offer his solution.
“Vice President Biden will offer to just move his office chair from down the hall into the Oval Office, skipping the messy process of a primary season altogether,” the memo says, “but only if all parties agree to this solution.” The memo goes on to say that if the Democratic candidates go for it, Biden will then approach the Republican National Committee with the same offer. “It’s becoming more and more apparent that for the Republicans, 2016 will be even more of an embarrassing cataclysm of racist, homophobic, xenophobic, Crazy Town talk. If they let Trump go on unfettered, they know this could spell certain doom for the entire party’s hopes of ever winning the White House again. They might just take this deal.”
Under the terms of the deal that Biden is proposing, the election would only be skipped for one presidential term, and as a capitulation to both the Republicans and their rabid, frightened base, Biden would select a Republican as his own VP, but according to the memo, “it would have to be one of the least crazy ones that can go more than a week without talking about rape or gay sex.”
“The Vice President understands that what he’s proposing here doesn’t really sound a lot like what the American people are used to, and he definitely would prefer to hold an actual election,” one Biden staffer told us, “but he also wants to try to help the country avoid embarrassing itself again.” The same staffer said that Biden is “absolutely also okay with just going to the Catskills and opening up Hoofin’ It Hardcore, the dance studio he has dreamed of opening since he strapped his first pair of Capezios and counted 5, 6, 7, 8.”
“He knows that most people have just assumed he wasn’t interested in the job, even though he’s just gotten eight fresh years of O-T-J. He knows that even though he mopped the floor with that piss-ant Paul Ryan in the debates last time that many in the media and his own party somehow don’t think he’s intellectually astute enough for the job,” another Biden aide told us. “So if no one wants Joe to Run, he’ll stay quiet and support whatever candidate does take the Democratic nomination. But he just wants to let everyone out there know that he can put off opening the dance studio another four or even eight years if no one is quite feeling up to it. He’ll just be kinda milling about in the hallway, so someone can just let him know at some point before November if it’s a go or not.”
Currently, Biden places third in most national polls behind Clinton and Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont for the Democratic nomination.