What’s Joe Biden hiding? Why won’t he acquiesce to any of Dear President’s demands about the first debate between the two tonight? First, Biden won’t take a drug test even though his lord and president DEMANDED IT. The nerve. The gall. In a free country, to tell the president no like that? It’s very fishy, and very likely maybe probably illegal.

RELATED: Biden: “I Know Watching People Piss Might Be His Thing, But I Won’t Be Taking Trump’s Drug Test”

But now we’re getting word that the Biden team has denied Trump’s request that he have his ears inspected for devices where he could be fed his answers. The rules of the debate already don’t allow it, but if the president wants something, he gets to have it! That’s how it works…at least when you’re a Republican, and everyone knows that.

So we have to all, as Americans, ask ourselves, why isn’t Joe Biden willing to let Donald Trump personally inspect every orifice on his body? Does the presidency mean NOTHING to Joe Biden? Shouldn’t all of us be willing to have the White Collar Criminal in Chief inspect us in any way he sees fit, if it means we get a chance at supplanting him, and usurping his God-given powers?

Who among us wouldn’t gladly volunteer to have our God King Emperor or one of his designees put his finger in our ears, mouths, eyes, or yes, even rectum, without any chance at becoming president? Yet, that’s the exact proposal that Trump is making — that he will let Biden try to challenge him for the presidency (something he’s offering very graciously by the way), if Biden simply agrees to take a pee test, let some Trumpist jam his fingers in Biden’s ears, and agree to talk about our conspiracy theories about him, his son, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Benghazi, Watergate, and the Ten Commandments.

But no! This man, this entitled jerk Joe Biden, won’t agree to a body cavity search! Imagine the temerity! Envision the disrespect it takes to say no to the president in any regard, but to deny his very reasonable request for a personal body cavity inspection? RUDE and again, I have to say, probably very illegal. Regardless of its illegalities, however, declining a simple ear and anal cavity search before the debate reveals a true, fatal flaw in the former vice president.

He’s not willing to do whatever it takes to win, or at the very least, to declare himself a winner when he’s clearly not.

That’s the kind of man Donald Trump is. He will do anything to win. ANYTHING. Accept foreign help in 2016? You bet. Try to extort a foreign country into helping him dig up dirt on his rival’s son this election? Absolutely. In fact, our Dear President is so willing to do whatever it takes to win, we probably don’t know all the things he’s done to win!

So why isn’t Joe Biden willing to debase himself? Why isn’t Joe Biden willing to seek and accept foreign help to win? Indeed, why isn’t Joe Biden willing to piss in a cup, let Trump’s aides finger his butthole, and and then demand a Baltic country help him defeat Trump?

Because he doesn’t have what it takes to be President of the United Trump States of Trumperica, that’s why. And we can only hope that the American people see right through Biden’s cowardice, and vote for Trump instead. Of course, if they don’t, we’re sure Attorney General Billy Barr will make it so we don’t have elections with consequences anymore.

Shame on Joe Biden. Getting fingered for America should be an honor. For Joe, that’s clearly not the case.

ALSO: In 2017, Trump Spent $750 in Taxes, and $750,000 in Big Macs

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.