Joe Biden Eschews Presidential Run To Embark on Epic Crusade to Find Lost Treasure

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just hours after Vice-President Joe Biden announced to the country he would not be entering the 2016 presidential race, he was signing papers on a new yacht and private jet, but that doesn’t mean the elder statesman is planning to retire to a life of luxury once his role as the man second in line to the presidency comes to a close, sources close to Biden are saying.

“The Vice-President decided he needed an adventure,” one source very close to Biden told reporters, “and there isn’t much adventure in Washington to be had these days, so he’s going to pursue his lifelong dream of being an international man of excitement and intrigue.” The source said that Vice-President Biden will decide exactly which mythological artifact he’ll go after first before next January when he vacates his D.C. office. “He’s leaning toward either the Garden of Eden or a sensible Republican budget that doesn’t include tax breaks for the super-wealthy, both are largely considered to be myth at this point, but both hold a lot of his attention,” the source said.

Though many close to Biden say he was confident he’d have defeated anyone the Republicans put up against him, he’d “rather just go and be Joe” for awhile, one White House aide told the media.  Biden reportedly is a huge fan of the “Indiana Jones” film and has even taken to wearing a leather jacket and fedora out and about sometimes. “He even asked his wife to call him Indiana Joe a few times,” the aide said.

“I guess at the end of it all, Joe knows that as broken as things are in this town,” President Barack Obama said when asked about it at a separate press event later that day, “he’d actually get a lot more done for society by traipsing off to foreign lands looking for different religious and culturally significant artifacts, most of which are likely never to be seen, then he would trying to do anything in this God forsaken city about any issue, literally any issue.” Obama told reporters, “Look at me, do you think someone who has spent the better part of eight years in close, intimate working situations with me would come away thinking this was going to be an easy job? Shit, before I was even sworn in, Mitch was over there telling his buddies they were going to make me a one-term president. Shit’s borked around here; I don’t blame Joe for bailing on all of this crap.”

Joe Biden started his career in politics in 1973 when at the age of 29 he became one of the youngest people ever elected to the U.S. Senate, representing Delaware. His life has been marred by personal tragedies that included the deaths of his first wife, and two of his children. Speculation was rampant for weeks about whether he’d run for president this time around, but one Biden aide was quoted as saying that “in the end, being in this Hell hole for over 40 years has left him realizing that literally almost any job would be better than being President, and so Joe will go and take literally any other job instead.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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