Jimmy Carter Tells His Cancer: ‘I Took 35 Years of Republican Bullshit About Me. I Can Kick YOUR Ass’

PLAINS, GEORGIA — Former President Jimmy Carter (D) has just announced that he has liver cancer that has spread to “other parts of his body.”

While many throughout the country and the world expressed sadness at the news, sources close to Carter have relayed details of an interesting encounter between Carter and the cancer in his body to The Political Garbage Chute. According to those same sources, Carter was defiant but still somehow gentile and gentlemanly in his tone, a hallmark of any diplomatic meeting with Carter over the length of his civil service and post-political careers.

“Look now, Cancer, I don’t mean to be uncouth, but I hope you don’t think I’m going to give in without some kind of fight,” Carter reportedly opened the conversation. Sources say it was a firm but respectful statement. According to those present, Cancer was said to have looked at first taken aback by Carter’s willingness to dialogue with him, but then seemed to open up as the confrontation continued.

“The simple fact is, Cancer, I took 35 years of Republican Bullshit about me. I can kick your ass.” Those in the room told us that Carter himself seemed a little remorseful for his decision to use a swear word, but he’d later tell them that’s how he knew he truly was angry enough to confront Cancer so directly, and he thought it would show Cancer how serious he was being.

Cancer blinked and then tried to stifle a giggle.

“I’m not kidding,” President Carter was said to have replied. “I’m not stupid either. I know the odds are long. I’m a 90 year old man. That’s a lot of mileage on the old odometer, and fighting you has proven to be quite the challenge for many great people who have come before me, and it will be for an all-too large number who will come after me.”

“Listen to me, Cancer,” Carter pressed, the elder statesman in him rising to the surface, according to aides.

“They called me a failure. They blamed me for economic factors well out of my control. Yet, years later when you look at all the administrations that came after me, I have a better record, economically speaking, than a lot of them,” President Carter said, adding that “based on their own measurements, I’m a far better president economically than George W. Bush or his father. I mean, they bash me, but they protect Trickle Down? Makes no logical sense! I didn’t trigger the Great Recession, did I?”

Our sources say that’s when Carter just “took over the room.” He leaned in close to Cancer, drawing a calm breath.

“They mocked the solar panels on the White House that I had installed. I’m not going to brag about this, because that’s not the person I am, but it seems plausible to say I was a little ahead of my time there. Same can be said about my initiatives to try and drastically change how we consume energy in this country,” President Carter said, asking then, “Does any of that sound like it might relevant to today’s world?”

“Because it sure does to me. Yet, they mocked me then and they mock me mercilessly now over this. Can you believe that as a president who never started a single illegal war I still got branded by some of them as bad on foreign policy, Cancer?

So this is why, when you threaten me, I can’t let myself get too far down. History has proven that the unending litany of lies — mendacious and revisionist lies — that have been told about me and the efficacy of my work both as a president and afterward, are well, bullshit, Cancer. Pure and utter bullshit. Yet I was the butt of every “dumb person” or “bad president” joke they made for decades.

I took it all, though, with my chin held high. I stayed above the fray. How many snarky, sarcastic and caustic comments did you see from me about Reagan, Bush Sr. or even Junior Bush? The answer is “none.” Because that’s not how I was raised. I was raised to be a man of worth by being a man of action, and of doing and of results. Or as we used to say down south on days other than Sunday, ‘You can’t talk shit unless you’re full of shit to begin with.’

You may take me, in the end, Cancer, to Heavenly gates. You may wind up being the sickness that extinguishes my mortal flame. But you will never beat me. You can’t beat me, because you will never rob me of the dignity, honor, compassion, and humanity I both gave and received all my life. I wiped out a deadly African tapeworm for shit’s sake, Cancer. I guess maybe that’s why I could sleep so well all those nights, no matter what lies they told about me. I just kept doing what I felt was right, and let the talkers talk.

You may take me, Cancer. Just like they took my second term from me all those years ago. But they didn’t beat me then, and you won’t beat me now. I’ve already won, in case you can’t tell. I lived long enough to see the lies they told about me laid bare for the poisonous deceit it all was. I’m up for the tussle, Cancer, but no matter what the outcome, I already won. I’ll kick your ass like I kicked their ass, by being classier and better than you to the end.”

Then Carter turned around in his chair and gave James a stern but warm look. “Now, I don’t think you had to be quite so petulant with my tone at the end there, sir. But I’ll let it slide. I know you’re emotional about this news.”

And he was right, as always.