Jim Webb Challenges Bernie Sanders to Arm Wrestle

VIANDE’S HEAD, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Jim Webb has officially dropped out of the 2016 Democratic presidential primary. Webb cited a few factors for his decision, the biggest of which being that he felt he and the party weren’t a good fit for one another, but as he was leaving the campaign trail in New Hampshire earlier this week, Webb decided he wanted to have “a little bit more fun” before packing it all in. Webb has challenged Senator Bernie Sanders to an arm wrestling match.

“Look, it was very clear to me from the first debate that my unabashed embracing of my time in ‘Nam was a bit much for the delicate sensibilities of Democratic voters,” Webb told reporters at a press conference, “and while I wish they could have looked past my strange, almost romantic view of killing another human being, they couldn’t. So maybe I’m just a bit too hawkish for this party now. That doesn’t mean I can’t have a little fun on my way out though does it,” he asked rhetorically adding that “a little good, clean, competition never hurt anyone” and “maybe it’ll encourage people to think about voting for [him] on an independent ticket, if they are impressed by the size of [his] guns.”

Webb said he just randomly chose Sanders’ name out of a hat, but that he would “gladly take on any of the other weaklings” in the field of candidates. The former Senator from Virginia said that he’s been “all jacked-up with no way to release it” since he retired from the Marines and is hoping that “a good old fashioned competition of brute physical force” could be all he “needs to feel normal again.”

“I am convinced that if I had just had an outlet for all my pent-up rage,” Webb said at the press conference, “that maybe I wouldn’t have talked about killing that man with such a sense of longing, like I was almost wistful about it.” Webb, who was once Secretary of the Navy under President Ronald Reagan, insists that he is “not just a meathead who would view foreign policy as shoot first and aim later,” but rather that he is “just old school” and believes “you make the world a more peaceful place by constantly reminding people you are more intimidating than them.”

The Webb campaign is hoping that his besting of Sanders in an arm wrestling match will prove Webb’s superior prowess and maybe even garner him some votes from Republicans who are disgruntled about their choices in their own primary. “Clearly after watching me in the debate,” Webb told reporters, “you could tell that I’d be a much happier Republican than a Democrat, so why not try and get some right-wing votes. They like war, I like war. So maybe it’s a match made in electoral heaven.”

A rep from the Sanders campaign could not be reached at the time this story was published.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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