COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — For years, Jethro Bohiggins has politely screamed in people’s faces when they demand gun law reforms that the country doesn’t need new, or stronger, gun laws. Instead, Bohiggins has insisted, America simply needed more God in its schools to combat the rising tide of school shooting incidents.
“I kept telling people that criminals just find ways to get guns, and they don’t care about laws. It’s different with border walls of course, but with guns, all we’ve ever needed is less libtards and more God,” Jethro told listeners to the latest episode of his podcast. “It’s a simple equation. Put God in our kids schools, and he’ll enter their hearts. With God in their hearts and guns in their teachers’ hands, our kids will be safe from harm forever and ever.”
One would think, given how much Jethro believes that God belongs in public school settings, that he’d have been quite ecstatic about a tweet President Trump sent this week. In the tweet, Trump lends supports to “numerous states introducing Bible Literacy” as an elective subject. Trump endorsed the idea fully, and he has enjoyed the support of the Religious Right, despite having a well-documented reputation for carousing and fraternizing with women, even when they weren’t one of his three wives or eldest daughter.
Numerous states introducing Bible Literacy classes, giving students the option of studying the Bible. Starting to make a turn back? Great!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 28, 2019
When we contacted Jethro, though, he hadn’t heard the news that the president he supports with “every inbred fiber” in his body as he’d tell us had endorsed bible literacy classes. To be more accurate, Bohiggins hadn’t yet read the president’s tweet. That’s, however, because Jethro has a hard time reading literally anything.
“Oh yeah, I’m illiterate as fuck fam,” Bohiggins told us via Skype. “On account of my dad telling me only libtards take their government indoctrination — which of course vile cultural Marxists and the liberal intelligentsia call ‘education,’ I stopped going after the third week of kinny-garten, and I gotta say, I don’t reckon I’m any more dumber than I’d be if I had stayed in school.”
Jethro asked our reporter to read Trump’s bible literacy tweet to him. Upon hearing the tweet, he became quite excited. Bohiggins told us it was nice to have a president who “cares about the American people only reading the important stuff.”
“Who needs math or science when you have centuries old texts that have been translated and re-translated dozens of times to fit any number of people’s personal, political, and religious agendas? This is making America great again,” Bohiggins declared.
Having been so pleased by the bible literacy tweet, Jethro asked if we could read him one more Trump tweet, so he could “know Dear President’s words personally.” Our reporter decided to read him another recent tweet, this time about cold whether and climate change.
In the beautiful Midwest, windchill temperatures are reaching minus 60 degrees, the coldest ever recorded. In coming days, expected to get even colder. People can’t last outside even for minutes. What the hell is going on with Global Waming? Please come back fast, we need you!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 29, 2019
“Oh my God. Did he really just compare weather to climate? I’m a racist, ignorant, illiterate moron and even I know the difference between long time trends and short term events, which will become more frequent and intense as the long term trends change,” Bohiggins said, aghast at the tweet. “And did he really spell it like that? I can’t even spell and I know that there’s a damn R sound in the word! I mean, look, I’m a fictional character, and in reality no, I’m dumb as shit, was kept that way on purpose, and therefore if I existed in reality I’d find absolutely nothing alarming, weird or wrong with these tweets — because look at how his real base does actually respond to his totally real but totally stupid as fuck tweets. So, I mean, you know…some things are just so goddamn stupid I can’t take it, and I have to break out of character and say right out, without any satirical content, that this guy is beyond dumb.”
Bohiggins quickly rebuilt the fourth wall he’d just knocked down.
“So all that said, it’s 2019, I’m a Trump die hard, and I will literally drink his piss and breathe his farts to own the libs,” Jethro said, back in character. “And as long as I’m promised a white ethnostate through dog whistles and anti-immigrant legislation, I’m all good, fam.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.