Jesus to Michele Bachmann: ‘I’m Not Coming Until You Shut Up’

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity Inc., has a very short and simple message for former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R), “I’m not coming back until you shut up, Michele.”

After Bachmann made headlines over the weekend for saying that recent violence in Israel is occurring because the biblical end times are near, Christ said he had “no choice” but to hold a press conference and “make sure everyone down there knows that Michele Bachmann is literally the last person you should trust on any subject, ever.” Mr. Christ pointed to the 2012 presidential election in which Bachmann insisted she’d met people whose daughters had developed “mental retardation” after getting the HPV vaccine as “all the evidence anyone should ever need that [Bachmann] is a shrill, vapid voice of banality and stupidity that should be avoided like the Plague.”

“She’s not someone that I would take advice on how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich from,” Christ said, “let alone someone I would trust to know when the end of the world was going to happen.” Mr. Of Nazareth told reporters that what made him most “infuriated” is the fact that The Bible “told everyone that they will never, ever know when” he was going to return, signaling the end of human life on Earth. “But I’ll tell you who I would listen to in terms of whether your species will survive on your planet or not — climate scientists,” Jesus said, adding, “they’re the ones who have the most ability to tell how close you are to self-annihilation, not Loony Tunes Bachmann.”

During the press conference, Jesus unleashed a torrent of vitriol toward Bachmann, calling her a “false representatives of [his] corporation” and a “factory blem that should have been put in the bargain bin instead of given a microphone and a platform to belch out stupidities.” He said that he and his father, Larry “God” Schumway, who founded Holy Trinity Inc. approximately “infinity ago” according to their corporate mission statement, have a strict rule about when they will actually begin the Tribulation.

“Not until every false prophet stops talking about it,” Jesus said, “that’s when Dad and I will do it. Not a moment sooner. And even then, we still may not do it. I don’t know, that Bible was written a long ass time ago, and you know how sometimes write an email to your co-workers about how badly you want to quit your job, but then a couple days later you feel like you can hang around a little while longer? That’s how I feel about Revelation. That book was the product of my boredom; I sent John of Patmos some really dark, dark imagery as inspiration, and truth to be told I was really kind of fucking with him, and had I known that eons later some derpy douche like Bachmann would take it seriously, I never would have done that.”

Christ wrapped up the press conference by reiterating to everyone on Earth that, “Michele Bachmann and people like her have no idea when the end times are coming, if at all. I’ll repeat that: do not listen to anyone who tells you they know when we’re going to start demo work on Earth. Just, you know, be good people to each other and let Bachmann fade away like the dim bulb she is. Please, for the love of me. I’ve got other, way more fun shit to do than to exterminate the human race right now, thank you. I’m about to beat ‘Destiny’ on the PS4.”