Jesus Christ Issues New Commandment: Thou Shalt Just Poop and Get Out, Weirdos

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — At a Heavenly Press Conference held over the weekend, Jesus “Hubert” Christ, Vice President of Holy Trinity, Inc., announced something his company hasn’t done in a couple thousand years — they issued a new, 11th Commandment.

Those familiar with his company’s work know about the original 10 Commandments such as “Thou shalt not kill” and “Thou shalt not bear false witness,” but Christ told reporters on Saturday that “recent Earthly commotion over the most inane and pointless political battle of the last few years” has forced he and has father, Larry “God” Schumway, to issue a new edict for their company’s employees to follow.

“We were hoping that it wouldn’t come to this,” Christ said, “but watching our people get so heated and angry over transgender people’s bathroom choice just made us too apoplectic to do nothing this time. So we’re unveiling, for the first time in a long, long, long time, a new commandment. Number 11. Thou sahlt just poop and get out, weirdos.”

Jesus said that he can’t understand why humans are so concerned about transgender people using whichever bathroom they see fit because “they already prosecute and punish sexual offenders” so “conservatives are just being extra dicky to them.”

“And being extra dicky to people just because you’re judgmental of them is kinda exactly what I died on that fucking cross for, people,” Christ said, “so that you’d all stop that and focus on way more important things.”

Christ said when he sees news reports of Christians marching through Target stores with Bibles upraised, and causing a commotion over their decision to let transgender people choose the bathroom they want to use, it makes him “want to plotz.” He says that there are so many more things that go against his policies and guidelines that the United States is involved in that he is “truly agog” at the “minor and insignificant shit” conservatives find to fixate on.

“Um, you know you’re still at motherfucking war in Iraq and Afghanistan, right,” Jesus rhetorically asked American conservatives during his press conference, “because things like drone strikes and war for profit? They’re not really Christian. Unless you think Christian means ‘to act in the exact opposite of that Jesus guy’ of course.”

With confusion dripping from his words, Christ asked, “How much time do these people have when they’re shitting, anyway? I mean, call me crazy, but there are still people, like, homeless and hungry in your country right? How about you put all that Christian thought into doing something Jesus Christ — you know, me — would do, and take care of them first. Then, once you have all the people clothed, fed, and sheltered, then you can let your paranoid delusions of increased sexual assaults enter your thoughts while you’re supposed to just be making doody and getting on with life.”

“Granted, it’s been a millennia since I took a mortal dump,” Christ said, “but I don’t remember ever worrying about whether someone else near me, also pooping, was born with the same genitals I was. We literally just sat down on the benches, took our shits and left. So, I’m not exactly sure what has changed in 2016 years or so, but it’s just absolutely horrifying to see so many people caught up in an irrelevant, fear-based argument for being able to discriminate against people in a new setting.”

Christ concluded the press conference and said the new commandment would be distributed via the Heavenly Fax System to all Christian churches in the U.S. by the end of the summer.

“The bottom line,” Christ said, “is that I love all the little children of the world. The lyrics don’t go, ‘all the children of the world, unless they identify as a different gender than the sex organs they were born with.’ So shut up, and go work at a soup kitchen, ya knuckleheads, and stop worrying about things that don’t matter while you’re pissing or shitting.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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