Jesus Really Loved Sam Smith’s and Kim Petras’ Grammy Performance

Many conservative commentators have been apoplectic about singers Sam Smith and Kim Petras appearance at this past weekend’s Grammy Awards. Smith and Petras performed their song “Unholy,” taking part in a fictional, dramatized Satanic ritual as they sang the song that would go on to win a Grammy that night. Reactions from people like Ted Cruz, Ben Shapiro, and Matt Walsh were, perhaps predictably, quite negative, with many of them calling the performance “evil.”

But there’s one person who says he “really loved” the performance, and even called the song “a real fuckin’ banger” when asked about it this morning.

“Oh man, Sam and Kim really slayed it! I was hyped-as-fuck, fam,” Jesus Hubert Christ told Heavenly reporters when asked for his reaction to the performance, and to the reaction of American evangelical Christians to the performance. “That track’s a real fuckin’ banger, son! And I thought the imagery they used was dope!”

Christ said that he thinks it’s “kinda weird” that American Christians call themselves “freedom loving patriots,” but get offended and violently angry when they see someone express their freedoms in ways they disagree with.

“Can’t they just turn the channel? Or did Joe Biden take away everyone’s remotes when he took away their gas stoves? I can’t keep up with this bullshit most of the time,” Christ said. “But anyway, yeah, I really loved that performance. It made sense to me. Song’s called ‘Unholy,’ and so they had a bunch of devil-y imagery and whatnot. Seems like art to me, but what do I know? I’m just the literal son of Actual God.”

@jamboschlarmbo #JesusChrist has entered the chat. #SamSmith #KimPetras #grammys #satire #Unholy ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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