KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — A visibly annoyed Jesus Hubert Christ, son of Larry “God” Schumway, told a gaggle of heavenly reporters this morning that every year on this day he “gets a little confused and annoyed” when people refer to it as “Good Friday.”
“Would you call the day that your grandmother died of a stroke Good Tuesday? No, of course you wouldn’t,” Christ explained, “and yet, every single Dad-damn year, I get absolutely flooded with prayer messages, calling today Good Friday. It’s like everyone has forgotten that little stubborn fact that I was FUCKING MURDERED ON THAT DAY. It really makes me rethink that whole ‘no more floods’ policy that Pops insists we abide by, I’ll tell you that much.”
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Good Friday is the day that Christians all around the world mark as the day that Christ was hung on a cross to die by the Roman Empire. It’s one of the most important days in Christianity because it was the event that led to Jesus’ resurrection, which he told reporters today he refers to as his “Zombie Birthday.” The Bible tells the story of Jesus’ betrayal at the hands of his disciple Judas Iscariot, and of his torture and ultimate crucifixion, which was a common method of execution for the Romans. Jesus said today that in his mind “there’s nothing good or even okay” about the day he died, and he still has both literal and emotional scars from it.
“You know my wrists and feet still hurt after more than 2000 years? And don’t get me started about the PTSD from the thorny crown,” Christ said. “Look, I know everyone probably means well. I get it. You’re all excited. It’s a big day…for YOU. For me? It’s a reminder of literally the worst day of my first life. I can’t even begin to tell you how sick and disturbing it feels to me to celebrate the day I was summarily executed for the crime of telling people to stop treating poor people like shit.”
Instead of celebrating the day he was killed, Jesus says Christians could consider celebrating other important days from his life on Earth.
“They’ve already got my birthday to celebrate, with all their cute little nativity scenes and whatnot, and they celebrate my zombie birthday too,” Christ opined. “So why they need more than that, I don’t know. But if they’re going to celebrate more days of my life, how about the time I beat my dad at basketball for the first time? Or the time John the Baptist and I went and got 40s and just chilled in the 7/11 parking lot all day? That was so much fun. We smoked so much kind, and had some really deep talks. Celebrate THAT day instead of the one where, you know, I was beaten, dragged, and then stuck up on a fucking cross, maybe? I know, fuck me, who cares though, right?”
Before wrapping up his press conference, Jesus made a point to address whether followers of his teachings should break stay at home orders in their state and attend Easter services this Sunday. The threat of the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak has forced nearly the entire American economy to either halt, or drastically alter its operations, and many states have ordered everyone to stay home and not gather in large groups, such as Easter services. Christ came out strongly in favor of people staying home.
“Look, I also I want to address coronavirus quarantines and my zombie birthday,” Jesus said. “Stay home. Okay? You have the Internet. You can stream services online if you want. But if you think the guy who literally used his magic God powers to heal the sick wants you to go out and risk getting other people sick just to say you celebrated the day he rose up from the grave, you need to read your Dad-damn bibles way, way more, folks.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.