Jesus Thinks “Creepy Weirdo” Matt Walsh Should Focus on Own His Junk

Jesus Hubert Christ is not a fan of Daily Caller commentator Matt Walsh’s work. In a blog article posted to Jesus’ website today, the Son of God blasted Walsh and his boss Ben Shapiro as “perverted whack jobs” who should “put more thought and care into their own lives” than worrying so much about transgender rights.

“What I don’t get, truly, is how much free time people like Matt and Ben have on their hands. How are they so free to fixate on transgender genitals when there are still so many millions of poor people without consistent access to food in their country,” Jesus wrote. “It’s mind boggling to me that someone like Matt can profess a deep, abiding love for me and the book I star in, but not have the foggiest clue what I was about.”

Jesus reiterated his long-standing stance on tolerance and acceptance.

“It’s not that hard to figure out. It’s all in the song title. I love the little children of the world all of them. Yes, even the ones born with penises who identify as women,” Jesus’ blog article states. “Red, yellow, black, white, transgender, straight, they’re all precious in my sight. In fact, I cannot remember for the life of me even thinking or caring about someone’s sexual or gender identity when I was down there; just whether or not they were being judgmental cunts like Matt.”

In the end, Jesus argues that Walsh has “clearly forgotten one of the most important parables” from the Bible.

“It’s like I said in the Bible, basically. Don’t worry about the junk in your neighbor’s pants when you can’t even find the clitoris in your own wife’s panties,” Jesus wrote. “It makes me weep to think of all the people not getting help because some judgey li’l bitch like Matt is doing his level best to make them seem unworthy of help and love. I wanna slap the smile right off that pharisee fuck’s face. But instead, I’ll just wait until I’m laughing at him as he looks up at Heaven and wonders why he’s not inside it.”

@jamboschlarmbo I write #Jesus better than the Bible. #MattWalsh #lgtbq🏳️‍🌈 #political #satire #politics #politik #transrights #transrightsmatter ♬ original sound – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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