Jesus Unsure Where Christian Conservatives’ Christianity Is

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus “Hubert” Christ told reporters during a heavenly press conference this morning that he’s starting to have a hard time discerning the Christianity in certain Americans.

“Where’s the Christianity in kicking out the children of immigrants, shutting their churches to hurricane victims, and putting people on trial for laughing? You know, they call themselves the Religious Right,” Christ told reporters, “and they say they’re the Christian Conservative Coalition, but um, I gotta be honest here folks, I don’t see a whole lot of Christianity in what they say and do.”

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Mr. Christ used the recent example of televangelist Joel Osteen’s church in Houston as an example of the “faux Christian attitude” that he sees rampant on the right.

“Osteen is supposed to be a pastor,” Christ said, “which means he’s supposedly up on what Christian values are. But you know, even after I racked my brain for hours I couldn’t remember a single time I said that you should lie about your house being flooded so you didn’t have to bring in a bunch of poors. In fact, I think I’ve always said the direct opposite of that, but fuck me, right?”

Jesus also told reporters that the case of a woman charged with a crime for laughing at Attorney General Jeff Sessions during his Senate confirmation hearing was also a “particularly galling example of Republican fake Christian bullshit.”

“Let me get this straight,” Christ said, “You guys are killing the one and only planet I gave you, Wall Street bankers were never punished for intentionally fucking up your economy, and there are white supremacists marching in your streets, and yet you want to focus the ire and wrath of your justice department on a woman who laughed? Yeah, there’s that Christian humility we talked about, huh?”

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Seeing Republican Congressman Steve King of Iowa talk about cutting food stamps and welfare to pay for Trump’s proposed border wall was “almost too much” for Christ to handle, he said.

“I gotta say,” Christ told reporters, “hearing that racist shit head talk about hurting poor people, literally taking food off their tables, to pay for a wall that won’t stop people from overstaying legal work visas, or that can just be avoided, is so unbelievably devoid of Christian sentiment that I frankly that Steve King was trolling us all by calling himself a Christian.”

Rescinding DACA — Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals — and setting up a potential mass deportation of hundreds of thousands of people who only know what it’s like to be American was what triggered the press conference, Christ would tell the press.

“Did these dumb fucks forget my origin story? I mean, talk about not getting the point,” Christ said, “Why don’t they just tell Dreamers there’s no room at the inn and let the weight of the irony of it all collapse the Earth in on itself? I told everyone to treat the lowest among you as you would the highest, but apparently a whole lot of people who claim to be my BFF missed that particular lesson.”

The White House, Steve King, and the Republican Party did not return requests for comment.


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