KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., is unmistakably upset with those who consider themselves disciples of his teachings and still vote for Donald Trump in next year’s presidential election.
At a heavenly press conference early Friday morning, Christ lambasted people who call themselves Christians but still support Trump. He said that normally he doesn’t “get involved in earthly politics” because he has “way more important shit to do.” But events of the last three years have seen a rise in people who act and think like Trump, and Christ says he’s seen “way too many” people supporting Trump under the guise of protecting Christian values.
Jesus said he had a special message for those kinds of voters.
“If you read my teachings,” Christ said, “and genuinely think I’d support a guy like Trump, you’re high. And also — fuck you.”
Christ admitted that his message “might come off a little harsh” but he said that Trump was such “an incredibly stupid choice for a Christian” that he had to be as blunt as he possibly could.
“He’s nothing like what I said followers of mine should be,” Christ railed, asking, “Where’s the agape love? Where’s the treating your neighbor — you know, like those who live across your southern border — like you’d want to be treated?”
Jesus even said that Trump’s boastfulness about not paying taxes irked him.
“What happened to paying to Caesar what you owe Caesar,” Jesus asked incredulously.
Mr. Christ also pointed out that Christian conservatives were turning a blind eye to Trump’s disdain for marriage vows. That hypocrisy was “rich,” according Jesus.
“Not that I care,” Jesus said, “because in my day marriage was a legal contract used to join households and assets, but if you claim to want to defend traditional marriage, you’re fucking it up by supporting the guy whose dick has been in more places it shouldn’t have been than a cat burglar on a crime spree. I literally cannot think of a single, solitary, less Christian man than Donald Trump, and I’m Facebook friends with Satan for fuck’s sake.”
On the subject of leading figures in the religious right, Jesus was skeptical, to say the least, of their credentials.
“Charlatans like Phil Graham are the kinds of fake Christian pharisees I warned you about in the New Testament,” Jesus said, adding that if Graham “tells you water is wet, take a damn shower and check for yourself.”
Ultimately, Christ says people should vote how they want to, he just wants them to “do it for honest reasons.”
“You can vote for whomever you want,” Christ said, “Contrary to what a lot of so-called Christians down there think, Dad and I gave you guys free will for a reason. We like seeing you guys use it. Freedom is fun. And you can vote for Trump if you want to, really.”
Sipping from a glass of water at the podium that he later turned into wine, Jesus continued, “I wouldn’t, though. Know why? BECAUSE HE’S NOTHING FUCKING LIKE THE PEOPLE I SAY YOU SHOULD BE. THAT’S WHY.”
“So vote for him, if you want, just don’t do it while professing to defend Christian values,” Christ continued, “because he doesn’t give a shit about the poor, doesn’t love his neighbor, and treats women like garbage. Be honest with yourselves and admit you want him to win because you either are scared of brown skinned people or you just don’t like Democrats so much you’re willing to trade in your morals for a chance to win the White House.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”