Jesus Christ to Americans: “Thoughts and Prayers Aren’t Made of Kevlar”

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This morning, the Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity Inc. held a press conference and addressed among other things the recent tragic mass shooting at one of their franchises in Sutherland Springs, Texas.

“There aren’t any useful words in moments like these,” Jesus “Hubert” Christ told Heavenly reporters this morning, “and so I’m not going to try to heal all the wounds that are festering in that country down there with words. All I’ll say is that plenty of mentally ill people in other countries don’t violate the safety of our franchisees and their customers by murdering a couple dozen of them. And I have yet to hear of a single mass shooting not carried out with a gun, so you tell me if there isn’t at least some kind of gun problem down there.”

Christ, as an executive on the Holy Trinity board, said he has an “obligation to everyone” to make his franchises as safe as possible. Mr. Christ indicated, though, that there’s “only so much” he can do in certain situations.

“There are more guns than people in that country, and that’s not hyperbole,” Christ said, “so you tell me how I’m supposed to do anything against that. When their own gun lobbyists won’t let the CDC even STUDY gun violence, how do they expect even a deity like myself to make any headway in this regard?”

Mr. Christ was asked about whether or not he’d encourage Americans to send thoughts and prayers to Texas, or any other place where a mass shooting has recently occurred, whether or not it takes place in one of his franchises or in another location.

“Look, thoughts and prayers are okay. I’d be a fool to be in my line of work and not promote prayers as a generally good product,” Christ said, “but thoughts and prayers aren’t made of Kevlar. They aren’t going to stop anything, least of which being a high-speed projectile fired at terminal velocity. So as my good buddy Hunter Thompson said, pray to God, but row away from the rocks.”

The White House did not respond to requests for comment on this story. The NRA issued a short response.

“It’s too bad our lord and savior has to be such a beta male cuck,” NRA Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre said in the statement, “but alas, that’s the truth when even Jesus Christ himself doesn’t acknowledge the very real threat of constant danger in America today. Sure, we do our part at the NRA to make sure part of that danger includes hundreds of millions of firearms on the streets, but you know, money is so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so fucking cool.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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