Jesus Christ Wonders How Many Poor People You Can Feed for Two Super Bowl Ads

Today, Jesus Hubert Christ held his weekly heavenly press conference. One reporter asked the Son of God about a pair of Super Bowl commercials run by a Christian mega-church. Jesus was not impressed, to say the least.

“From what I saw, the commercials were pretty ‘meh-tastic,’ but I mean, I don’t really think that’s the core issue,” Jesus explained. “To me, the bigger issue is why this church has the money to run commercials on one of the most expensive days for advertising, but supposedly shouldn’t be taxed. I don’t seem to recall saying anything during my time down there about making sure every church has a good PR and marketing strategy. And, frankly, I’m wondering how many poor people you can feed with what you pay for two commercials during the Super Bowl.”

Christ said that while he is “sad and disappointed” in the idea that a mega-church would spend millions of dollars on Super Bowl ads instead of things he preached about doing like taking care of immigrants and poor people, he was “not at all surprised” by it.

“It’s always disappointing when these churches claim to follow what I said they should do, and then they turn around and do shit I 100% would not want them to do,” Jesus said, “but it stopped surprising me years ago. If they’re going to worship a failed businessman, lifelong conman, and daughter-lusting sore loser bitch baby just because he promises to help them be mean to transgender people and immigrants, it would say a whole lot about my lack of intelligence if I continued to be shocked when they acted like the exact kinds of judgmental assholes I specifically told them not to be.”

Christ sighed a bit before finishing the presser.

“I’d tell them to read their Bibles, but that would require them to be literate,” Jesus said before heading off to Heaven’s mini-golf course for a round with Freddie Mercury and Harvey Milk.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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