KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — With so many of the Republican presidential candidates invoking his or his father name on the campaign trail, Jesus Hubert “Son of God” Christ says his cell phone is “blowing up” lately with requests from several media outlets to comment on the GOP hopefuls’ myriad policy ideas.
“I’m swamped these days,” Christ told The Political Garbage Chute, “every day one of those dudes is saying something that people think I need to comment on. You’ve got Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, and Mike Huckabee pretty much saying ‘First Amendment Be Damned’ and pushing for an outright theocracy as if Pops and I aren’t completely snowed-in running the entire known and unknown universes so we have tons of time to come down to Earth and hand-hold the United States into doing shit the right way.” Christ said he was “getting a little perturbed” at constantly having to tell reporters that he is “more worried about what happens to fetuses after they develop and are born than [he] is about a poor woman making a really tough decision about her reproductive choices” and that “he’d rather people focus on the kids already born than on bringing more unwanted children into the world.”
But Christ says through all the anger over their “cray cray sycophancy” as he calls it, there has been a “silver lining of hilarity.”
“The best ones are the Christians who say they totally believe in everything I said in the Bible,” Christ told us, “but then turn around and accuse Bernie Sanders of being too much a socialist for their tastes. It’s cute.” Christ went on to say that he’s “tickled pink” by people who call themselves a Christian and then “balk at the idea of focusing first on taking care of the poor and letting the rich be a second priority, if that” because “that’s literally what I came down there for.”
The self-proclaimed “Prince of Peace” told our reporter that he “gets that no one wants to pay so much in taxes that they can’t survive” but that “pretending as if there aren’t millions of people in your country that need help and that there aren’t plenty of places in your Federal budget to cut other than programs that help people” is in his words, “total and complete bullshit.”
“The simple fact is that the most un-Christian thing you can do is value rich people more than poor people,” Mr. Of Nazareth told us. He continued, “They don’t work harder just because they’re rich. That’s utterly stupid to even say, because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out there are many, many rich people who were simply born that way, and that stay that way their whole lives.”
Jesus then told us that he’s “not even all that interested in politics in the first place.” He reminded us that he “told everyone to pay Caesar what is due Caesar” because he “was trying to get across the message that [he wasn’t] interested in what some politician says is right or wrong, only what the results of actions are.” He also said that he “wouldn’t care of a Democrat was saying that poor people are lazy and should be treated like dirt” he’d “still be just as pissed” because he doesn’t “play rah-rah politics.”
“Just take care of the sick and the poor, what’s so hard about that,” Christ asked rhetorically as he was ending the interview. “All these people, they act as if they’re just one hard working day or one lucky break away from becoming millionaires and billionaires themselves, and so they protect people that don’t really need protection, not like the rest does,” Jesus said, “they behave as if asking the people who are literally the richest people the planet has ever known to give back a few pennies on their dollar, pennies that they’ll easily make up for with the compounding interest on just one of their accounts, is an affront to their whole way of life. Yet they still have the balls to say they follow my teachings? Pfffft.”