KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ is “really, really pissed” at some of his employees in The United States, located in the western hemisphere of the planet known as Earth.
The employees of Holy Trinity, Inc. that have rankled Mr. Christ so much are the ones that he says are “completely and utterly ignoring their handbooks and training.” According to Mr. Of Nazareth, there are thousands of his employees that are at risk of losing their positions in the company for what he’s calling a “gross and flagrant violation of our Agape Love mission statement” by demanding that the United States federal government deport not only the eleven million undocumented people in the U.S., but also any children previously born to undocumented people who have received birthright citizenship since a Supreme Court case int he 1890’s established such a precedent.
Christ says he’s noticed that the overwhelming majority of his employees that are in violation of his company’s corporate policy of “inclusion, love for all, and compassion above everything else” are members of the Republican Party, an American political organization that was once made up young people who would risk their lives to register people of color to vote, but now risk their political solvency trying to deny people of color the right to vote, among several other rights and privileges.
“Hey, Republicans, I love all the children of the world, remember,” Jesus said at a recent press conference, continuing, “Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in my sight, remember? I mean, shit the lyrics in that one maybe need to be updated because yellow? Red? Really? But the general idea is that I love everyone no matter their skin tone.” Jesus said that he could see that perhaps there was an explanation for so many of his employees “completely disregarding their orientation and training.”
“Maybe the problem is that song doesn’t mention brown people specifically,” Christ said, adding, “ironically I’m brown-toned myself because of where I was from and stuff.” Then he retorted, “But hey, don’t let that stop you from being xenophobic, Religious Right!”
Mr. Christ, the Chief Saving Officer of Holy Trinity, says that those on the right side of the aisle who insist he’d be for the rule of law are “completely and utterly ignoring what I said the last time I was down there” and that he “didn’t say to render unto Caesar what was his so that I’d be bombarded with fascist assholes begging me to smite innocent, poverty-stricken people just looking for a better life for their families.” Christ said he has “much bigger, more pressing concerns in the universe than whether some very poor people break invisible lines to secure a better future for their children.”
“I’m not American,” Christ insisted. “When I was alive, there wasn’t even really a thought given to continents on that side of the world, for my sake.” Christ said that in his view, “these conservatives are freaking out for no reason, especially when you consider they’re usually the ones telling everyone America is so great.”
“If America is so great, shouldn’t they be proud of the fact that so many people want to come in,” Christ asked the reporters rhetorically, adding that “they can’t even really bitch about a welfare state because these undocumented people don’t get welfare, and if even if they did, they better not be an employee of mine and bitch about having to help poor people, that’s part of our Dad-Damned charter for my sake!”
Jesus said that if the people under his employ don’t start “shaping up and getting on message” there will be massive layoffs. “I’m not saying we’re going to go full-on flood the Earth this time,” Christ said, “because why would we punish everyone on Earth for the vile viciousness of a few of my worst employees. But I will go all money changer in the temple on their asses when I get down there, you can bet on that.”
Mr. Christ told reporters that he’s even considered teaching his most stridently anti-immigrant and anti-poor employees a lesson, and he got the idea after watching “Undercover Boss” on CBS one night.
“You know what it makes me want to do? It makes me want to come down there, you know, do my whole ‘Second Coming’ thing, and sneak into the United States somehow. I’ll just overstay my work visa. And then let’s see what happens when I tell everyone I came back, but I came back as an undocumented worker. I was kinda famous for those kinds of demonstrations with visual aides — think water to wine and feeding multitudes with just a couple loaves of bread and a few fish — so I can do that shit again if they want.”