KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — At a press conference held late Thursday night Jesus Hubert Christ, the Chief Savior Officer of Holy Trinity, Inc., told assembled reporters that effective immediately embattled Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis is “terminated from any and all forms of Christianity that even remotely attempt to adhere to my teachings of universal love, tolerance, acceptance, forgiveness and grace.” According to Mr. Christ, Davis has exhibited “a clear and unmistakable misunderstanding about what following my teachings means” and that “clearly she’s not interested in learning the right ways to be a Christian” so she’s being fired from the church, though Christ did say that “she’d be more than welcome to return once she’d seen someone to have her head removed from her rectum.”
“I told everyone the last time I was down there,” the self-described Prince of Peace told reporters, “that it’s time to stop being judgmental of others. It was literally my most important lesson, Christ said clearly upset. “Why does Ms. Davis think I spent so much time hanging out with whores, lepers, blind people, and the extremely poor? Because I was trying to teach everyone that no one is better than another person. That’s what all the ‘all of have sinned an fall short of the Glory of God’ stuff is about. But someone like Ms. Davis thinks that it’s all about just knowing me as her personal savior, and therefore she gets carte blanche to do and say whatever she wants,” Jesus said, adding, “bullshit. That’s not how this whole Christianity thing works.”
Mr. Of Nazareth told reporters that “on the face of it” he “doesn’t give two squirrel dicks if she’s a homophobe” but that “since she decided to take a job in a secular government, she should abide by its rules.” According to Christ, “if Davis had just done her job, quietly judging all those silly gays for wanting to be a full-fledged member of society too” that would have been “acceptable, though we’d still be having a talk about her piousness.”
“But the fact that she is making such a big production out of her judgmental self-righteousness, that she’s actually trying to make herself look like some kind of victim when she’s in the majority group of a majority group denying a minority group equal treatment shows me she’s actually not really a Christian,” Jesus said, adding that, “she’s entitled to think of herself as one, but I seem to recall telling people like Ms. Davis to focus on the planks in their eyes instead of trying to remove the splinters from other peoples’ eyes. That means ‘don’t be a hypocrite because you have tons of shit you do wrong too,’ in case anyone out there needs me to clarify further.”
Christ said that what really irritates him is that he never made homosexuality an issue when he was on Earth, and he can’t understand why people who say they want to be like him are doing so now. “I gave people way more admonitions about treating poor people than I ever did about judging gay people. And yet, how many so-called Christians would let you raise taxes on the rich to help a poor person get a meal and a roof over their heads,” Christ asked rhetorically.
“I’ll keep saying this until I’m blue in the face because apparently some 2000 years later there are still people who are only getting half my message,” Christ said, continuing, “but here it goes — be excellent to each other. That’s it. Just be nice. I call it the ‘Mr. Rogers’ philosophy. Love people for who they are. Nowhere in the Bible, or in my teachings, does it say you are to sit on a throne of judgment. If your secular job requires you you to do something you don’t want to do, or you think violates my teachings, then find another job. But you don’t get to have it both ways. If you want to live in a country guided and run by religious laws, move to Iraq. ISIS is your ticket. If not, then render unto Caesar what is his, work out any work-related angst you have in the pews on Sunday morning, get the hell down off your high horse, and love your fellow man. End of.”
And with that, Christ ended the press conference.