THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Former Rep. Michele Bachmann recently told a conservative talk show host that she is convinced the End of Days is upon us. Her evidence that she cited was the fact that the Obama administration, working with five other countries, made a deal with Iran to curb the rogue nation’s potential for a nuclear weapon. While the overwhelming majority of responses from foreign policy experts and other governments has been extremely positive, Bachmann says that the U.N. Security Council’s adoption of the deal is harbinger of the times spoken about in the Bible’s Book of Revelation, but also that when “you throw in some other things such as the Supreme Court decision back in late June and a lot of other things,” that “judgment isn’t just coming; judgment is already here.”
The Bible foretells that when the End Times are upon us, that God’s only begotten son, Jesus Hubert Christ, will return from the Kingdom of Heaven and lead the armies of God to victory against the forces of Robert “Bob” Satan, a disgruntled former employee of God’s. The Political Garbage Chute has previously interviewed Christ on two separate occasions, and was able to reach him again to secure an interview.
“Oh, I’m coming back to Earth alright,” Jesus told The Political Garbage Chute, “but I’m only coming down to make myself a B.L.T. and then I’m going back up to watch re-runs of ‘You Can’t Do That on Television.’ Man do I love 1980’s era kids’ sketch comedy shows!” The Son of God said that “people down there need to stop worrying about when and if I’m coming back down to lead Pops’ army and focus on what I told them to do like, what, two thousand years ago — be nice to each other and treat the lowest among you like you would the richest of men.”
Christ said that he doesn’t really like to get involved in politics, and that’s why if a candidate ever claims Jesus himself told him or her in a dream to run that “you can consider that utter and complete dog shit lies,” according to Christ. “I couldn’t care less who y’all elect, but it would seem to me like it behooves you to choose someone who doesn’t encourage you to be a selfish prick, and if you’re going to claim that you follow my teachings that you vote for people who front policies like taking care of the sick and poor, since that’s literally what my life’s mission was and shit.”
Our reporter asked Jesus if he could talk to Ms. Bachmann, what he’d say to her, to assuage her fears of the End of Days coming. “Someone should buy that batty loon a clue. My nickname is the Prince of Peace for My Sake! Does she really think I’d be at all concerned about something that might actually make war less likely,” Christ asked derisively as he was spreading the mayonnaise on his B.L.T.
“I mean, if anything this peace deal would delay my decision to come back to start Armageddon,” Christ told us. “What Bachmann and people like her don’t realize is that wiping out all of humanity in a literal war of Good versus Evil is hard goddamned work. I’m not interested in going there until shit’s really fucked up down there. Like you know if people get so convinced that like, racism is dead and therefore they shouldn’t be shocked or care about a disproportionate number of black men in jail for low-level drug crimes or worse yet, a disproportionate number of unarmed black men getting gunned down like dogs in the street. If I see a bunch of apathy toward that kind of disgusting display, I might consider coming down and whooping a little ass, sure.”
Christ Our Lord also made it a point to tell our reporter that he “has an entire universe and several multiverses to look after” so “Bachmann and people like her should just take a chill pill because I’m a little too busy at the moment to focus on Earth.” He also told us that “in all reality, it looks like you dinkuses will wipe yourself off the planet by ignoring the obvious signs of climate change” so he “[doesn’t] really see [himself] even needing to come down to start The Tribulation anymore.”
“All I want to do is go down there, get a sandwich, a cup of Matey Soup — that’s what I call tomato soup — and a beer. I want to eat that sandwich, eat that soup, drink that beer and go home and watch 1980’s era Nickelodeon programming,” Christ told us as he was sitting down to eat his sandwich. He continued, “Quit bothering me with your petty shit. I’ve told you all a million times to not make war. I’ve told you all a million times to stop putting profits over people. And yet the same people who claim to know me best are the worst offenders when it comes to that. So really, if I did come down there do you think I’d be focused on all the non-believers, or do you think I’d kick a little hypocritical Christian ass? Tell you what, read your Bibles, and I bet you find out for yourself what I’d do.”