WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Jeff Sessions was spotted in a back alleyway behind the Department of Justice headquarters in the nation’s capital “smoking a doobie,” according to sources very close to him.
Speaking on the condition of anonymity and a promise to help them find a new job next week, DOJ employees have indicated that Sessions is feeling extra pressure and stress right now over Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s first criminal indictments in his probe of Russian meddling in last year’s election. Sessions is also reportedly stressed out over repeated allegations that he perjured himself in his Senate confirmation testimony, which ultimately led to him recusing himself from the investigation, the same day he was confirmed by the Senate.
When asked by Senator Al Franken of Minnesota if Sessions had any contact with Russia during the presidential campaign last year, Sessions categorically denied it. However, a Washington Post story indicated that Sessions had contact at least twice with a Russian ambassador.
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While Sessions now is trying to make a case that he was meeting with the Russians not as part of Trump’s campaign, but in his duties on the Senate Armed Forces Committee, many politicians on both sides of the aisle are lining up to demand either an outright resignation, or at the very least that the Attorney General recuse himself from the ongoing investigation into Russian tampering with the election last year.
The stress and pressure of the scandal have “finally gotten” to Mr Sessions, his aides tell us, and yesterday he turned to marijuana to alleviate that stress. Coming out of the DOJ headquarters, Sessions allegedly saw a man smoking a joint. Instead of harassing him about the marijuana as one might have presumed, Attorney General Sessions asked the man if he could share the marijuana cigarette he was smoking with him.
“Hey,” Sessions said, “let me get a hit off that shit, man, will you?”
The marijuana user agreed, and Sessions took the joint from him. The Attorney General put it to his lips and took a deep drag. He held the smoke in his lungs for an extended moment. Then, as he exhaled, he spoke to the man.
“Man, I’m telling you,” Sessions said, “this Russia shit is really getting to me, man. It’s like, why didn’t I just tell the truth to Franken? If I knew I had spoken to Russian diplomats more than once, and that it was just part of my duties as part of the Armed Forces committee, why didn’t I just tell the truth, man?”
Smoke began to fill the immediate area as Sessions puffed and puffed away.
“Clearly I made it look like something shady happened, even if it didn’t,” Sessions admitted through another long drag, “and so I guess I have really no one else to blame for this mess. In the public eye, and according to the evidence so far I either lied under oath, forgot, or well, okay, I either lost or forgot. And we all know it’s hard to forget meeting with foreign ambassadors, as that’s not something you do every day, eve as part of the SASC.”
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In the end, Sessions thanked the man for sharing his marijuana with him.
“This has really helped,” Sessions said, “and now I can see what all the hippies, libtards, and libtarded hippies are onto this Devil Weed about. Thank God you were white and I could share this with you instead of being, you know, a variant. Then I’d have had to have you arrested and locked up. I guess it’s not all bad after all, huh?”
Sessions handed the nearly depleted joint back to the man, and went inside. There, his father Gepetto worked feverishly on a way to get his nose to stop growing every time he told a lie. He has yet to succeed.
The White House declined to comment. The Kremlin, however, simply said, “LOL, right?”
This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.