Jeff Sessions Can’t Recall Why Anyone Ever Thought He’s Competent at Anything

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During his highly anticipated testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee, Attorney General Jeff Sessions frustrated Democrats when he refused to answer questions about conversations he might or might not have had with President Trump regarding the firing of FBI Director James Comey. Sessions further enraged Senate Democrats whenever he’d say he couldn’t “recall” or “remember” certain details surrounding Comey’s firing or Session’s recusal from the probes of Russian interference in U.S. elections last year.

This morning, Sessions doubled-down on his lack of memory.

“To be totally honest with y’all,” Sessions said, bedecked in overalls and with a corncob pipe in his mouth, “I reckon I can’t recall why anyone ever thought I was competent at all. At anything.”


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Sessions pointed out his “mediocre and middling career” in the Senate and said he “didn’t really do much there” to warrant praise or even trust that he could do his job.

“Up to this point I was just a racist old southern cookie elf,” Sessions said, “who was too racist to be a federal judge in 1986. I was a Senator for while, but I didn’t do much there except show up to hearings, spout right-wing talking points, and then collect my senatorial paycheck. So I just can’t figure out why anyone  would think I’m capable of doing jack-shit, is all.”

Upon further reflection, however, Attorney General Sessions said he might have come up with one area that you could consider him competent.




“Using racist bigotry and ignorance as a legal cudgel,” Sessions said, “I think you could say I’m pretty good at that. I mean, here I am talking about marijuana like it’s the 1930’s still, and you know I have zero fucks to give about the impact the War on Drugs has had on the African-American community. It’s 2017 and I’m asking you all to not look at the cold, hard facts about pot, and instead trust my Nancy Reagan-like sloganeering and fear mongering over it. So, when it comes to being an ignorant racist shit head, I’m pretty good at that, indeed.”


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Mr. Sessions indicated that there might be a legitimate medical reason for his “utter and galling lack of memory and morals.”

“I’ve been sucking Trump dick for a couple years now,” Sessions said, “starting way back when I was one of the first members of Congress to back him. My doctor was telling me that he’s come across more than a dozen patients who, once exposed to Trump dick, become stupid and incompetent. Kellyanne Conway. Sean Spicer. He broke doctor-patient confidentiality to tell me, but hey, I broke the laws against perjury in my confirmation hearing, so who am I to judge? It’s not like he was a black, low-level drug user or something. Golly gee!”


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