Jeff Sessions Hits a Jay Because He’s ‘Super Duper Freaking Out’ Before His Senate Testimony

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Jeff Sessions has been in the hot seat almost from the moment he was confirmed by the Senate. In fact, Session’s own confirmation hearing testimony has been widely held as false or misleading in terms of his meetings with Russian representatives during last year’s presidential campaign. The political pressure mounted early for Sessions to recuse himself from the Russia probe, and he did just that.

But Sessions’ recusal wasn’t enough to take the heat off of him. When his boss, temporary President Donald Trump, decided to fire James Comey, it was speculated that Sessions played a role. However, having recused himself, Sessions again stuck himself in hot water because Trump said it was the Russia probe that prompted him to fire Comey. Later, Comey would testify in an open hearing before the Senate Intelligence Community that Trump pressured him to end the investigation on four separate occasions, one of which he threw Sessions out of the Oval Office before haranguing Comey.


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All of this has lead to Sessions agreeing to testify in his own open session before the Senate, in direct response to Comey’s testimony last week. This morning on the Hill, sources say Sessions was complaining about being “tense” and “unable to relax.” He decided, aides say, to smoke a marijuana cigarette — a “joint” in the parlance of our times — in order to, in his words, “take the edge off.”

“I tell you what,” Sessions said as he lit the joint, taking a long, deep drag and holding the smoke in before letting it out and continuing, “this whole Russia thing is really freaking me out. Not just me. A lot of us. We aren’t letting on about it, but I think I finally understand all these years later what they meant about Watergate’s cover-up being worse than the crime.”




Sessions was standing out in front of the Department of Justice, offering a hit from the joint to anyone who was near him. Everyone declined, but Sessions still held court. He told various justice department employees that his testimony later this morning was giving him the “heebie jeebies and willies something fierce.”

“Swearing to tell the truth under oath is a serious thing,” Sessions said, “even if I have no intention of telling the truth. I still have to make it look like I’m telling the truth at the time, and at the same time give myself enough wiggle room to admit I was lying without admitting I was lying. It’s hard work, y’all.”

Some were surprised to find Sessions smoking pot, as he’s been a strong proponent of bringing back harsher sentencing guidelines in the so-called “War on Drugs,” and has indicated that he is not a fan of pot in any sense. Sessions laughed and explained that to his colleagues.


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“Look, there’s Public Jeff, and he hates the weed,” Sessions said, “and then there’s Freaking Out About Possibly Having to Resign in Disgrace Instead of Being Brought Up On Charges Himself Jeff. That Jeff? Likes the weed. Or at least understands its helpfulness in times like these. I’m super-duper freaking out right now, everyone.”

One justice department attorney saw Sessions outside hoobing the doobie and asked him if he was worried about being arrested and charged with marijuana possession with himself, Jeff Sessions, running the Department of Justice. Sessions laughed a laugh that was certainly weed influence, but a little too hard for it just being about the marijuana in his system. When he’d calmed down enough to speak, he explained his thinking process. Attorney General Sessions handed the joint to a group of three people who passed it back and forth between each other.

“I would be worried about the legal ramifications of this,” Sessions said, “but I remembered I’m white. So as long as I’m in office, I’m good. Now pass that shit back, y’all.”


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