Jeff Sessions Hastily Stuffs Crate Of Russian Vodka And Fur Hats Into DOJ Utility Closet

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s top lawyer, Attorney Jeff Sessions, recently was seen hurriedly stuffing a large wooden crate into a rarely used utility closet inside the halls of the Department of Justice.

“Hey, you there,” Sessions reportedly shouted to a U.S. attorney who just happened to be walking by, “help me get this here crate into this closet, would you boy?”

The attorney, not wanting to anger his new boss, obliged. As they were pushing the large crate into the closet, Sessions’ hand slipped on the lid, and it flung off, falling to the ground with a thud. The two alternated between eye contact and looking into the contents of the crate for several moments. They both saw several bottles of Russian vodka and furry hats known as babushkas jammed into the crate.

“What’s this for, sir,” the young attorney asked his boss.

“What’s what for,” Sessions attempted to play dumb.

The young attorney wasn’t playing along. He asked Mr. Sessions again what the contents of the crate were for. Sessions got visibly upset. His already small frame seemed to shrink a little more, but now his round, old and yet cherubic face turned beet red. A light wisp of smoke was seen coming from each ear.

“It’s for nunya,” Sessions said, “now hurry the hell up and get that lid back on here. Help me get this crate stuffed into the closet, goddamn it.”

“Nunya sir,” the attorney asked, “I’m sorry sir, I’ve never heard of that. What’s nunya?”

Sessions was even angrier now.

“As in nunya got-damn business, I do declare,” Sessions said, his southern accent becoming more pronounced, “now, now, I say…I say, help me get this here crate into the closet. Chop chop!”

While he was pushing the crate into the closet with Attorney General Sessions, the young attorney noticed a label on it. The label read, “TO: Jeffy From: A Comrade (Wink, Wink As You Yankees Say).” Initially, he wanted to say something to Sessions, but it was obvious from the grunting and heavy sighing that the attorney was hearing from the AG that he was in no mood to answer questions.

“Hey, do you want to come up to my office so I can thank you for your hard work with a nice, hot bowl of borscht,” Sessions asked the young man as they were closing the closet door behind them.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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