CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA — “The United States should not delay in leading a global coalition to take out ISIS with overwhelming force,” former Florida Governor and 2016 Republican presidential candidate Jeb! told a crowd in South Carolina this week.
The younger Bush brother was speaking at the Citadel, one of the most famous military colleges in the nation, and he was discussing what he would do as Commander in Chief to stop the spread of Daesh, or ISIS, the terrorist organization that planned and carried out the attacks in Paris last week that left 129 dead and scores more injured. “As the words of French President Hollande have made clear,” Jeb! told the crowd, “the United States will not be alone in galvanizing this global effort. Militarily, we need to intensify our efforts in the air – and on the ground.”
Jeb! made sure to say that he would do what President Barack Obama has said he wouldn’t authorize — putting boots on the ground in Syria. “While air power is essential, it alone cannot bring the results we seek,” Jeb! told the crowd at the Citadel adding that, “The United States – in conjunction with our NATO allies and more Arab partners – will need to increase our presence on the ground.”
In a question and answer session after the speech, Jeb! addressed reporters who peppered him with questions about his plan. One reporter asked him if he thinks his plan can succeed when putting massive amounts of troops in Afghanistan and Iraq ultimately didn’t make the regions more secure. A twinkle came to his eye, and he told the media about a family tradition he said that voters will “really dig.”
“The American people can rest assured that we can and will defeat ISIS with the Bush Family Secret recipe for Middle East success,” Jeb! told reporters. He said that the recipe refers to a highly-secret but foolproof battle strategy for the Middle East that will finally bring everlasting stability and peace through bombing “the living hell out of them,” Jeb! said.
“My family has been dicking around in that part of the world for decades,” Jeb! told reporters, “If a family had spent as much time perfecting their artisan cheeses as we have perfecting our artisan war mongering, they’d be kicking that Sargento family’s ass out of the cheese case at your local supermarket. That’s how confident I am in the Bush Family secret recipe for Middle East Success.” After a pause, “Blowing up little brown people in the name of Democracy is the Bush family artisan cheese.”
One reporter asked for a few more specifics from Jeb!, who said he’d “gladly oblige.” Smirking so slightly, he told the reporter, “It’s really simple. You just go in, and you know, do the whole war thing, and then bing-bang-boom, war’s done, you win, Mission Accomplished, and then you go home and bang your wife while watching re-runs of ‘Car 54, Where Are You’ on Nick at Nite.”
“We’ve looked at his plan and we think it’s every bit as perfectly crafted as his brother’s Iraq War plan was,” Barry Smith of the NeoConservative Institute for Regional Destabilization told reporters when asked to comment about Jeb!’s plan. Smith has been tapped by Jeb! to be one of many advisers on foreign policy. According to Mr. Smith, the Bush Family Middle East recipe is “a rock solid piece of American foreign policy that will go down in history with the Bay of Pigs and the Vietnam War as examples of just how brilliant and insightful our foreign policy has been since the end of the Second World War.”
When one reporter from The Dallas Gazette and BBQ Coupon Book asked Jeb! how he could be so sure that his family’s secret recipe for Middle East success would work when the Afghanistan War has been running longer than Vietnam, and Iraq was such an abject failure on all fronts, the younger Bush became noticably perturbed. “Oh sure, the liberal media would try to gotcha me with the fact that I have no actual foreign policy experience myself,” Jeb! bemoaned while continuing, “and that both of the previous two members of my family to be president have mostly just gotten us further entangled in a region we should be helping in some other capacity.” After taking a moment to think, “But that’s the liberal media for you. They’ll say it’s journalistic integrity to ask me tough questions so the public knows if I’m truly qualified and whether I represent the values they want me to represent, but we all know that’s poppy cock.”
Another reporter asked him what would be different about his war effort, if he’s just using an old family secret. “How will this time be different,” Jeb! repeated the question, “Easy. It’ll be Jeb in there, not either of the Georges. Duh.” The last question he was given was exactly how he planned to win a war in the Middle East for good this time, without creating another quagmire, or making the quagmires we are already in worse.
“How will I win the war? Oh, I don’t know, maybe with like, guns and bullets and bombs and planes that go ‘Neeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr’ and stuff,” Jeb! asked rhetorically before bouncing off the stage and into his campaign bus, headed for the next town in South Carolina.