Jeb: ‘My Main Objective, Win or Lose, Is To Disown My Last Name’

SADDLE CRACK, IOWA — The Jeb! 2016 campaign is official underway, and no one could be more excited than the man at the center of the campaign — former Florida Governor Jeb. Jeb! — who prior to 2016 would carry a surname of “Bush” but who has since decided to be have just a single name — officially declared his candidacy in Miami, Florida after hopping on a Jeb! plan to his first official campaign stop on a schedule campaign officials are calling “cray ambitious” in Saddle Crack, Iowa.

It was in Saddle Crack that Jeb! held his first official press conference after a campaign rally at a local Chik-Fil-A. At the press conference, Jeb handed out hundreds of copies of an official campaign memo that was also emailed to thousands of media outlets all over the country. In part, the announcement explained that he would be “following in the footsteps of Teddy, Abe and Chester,” three presidents the memo claimed “were so tremendously adept at leading the country, they no longer need a last name to be household names.” But, the memo said, Jeb! was taking it one step further.

“I know that everyone was getting really impatient as they awaited my official announcement,” Jeb! told the media at the conference, “but there was a reason I was taking my time.” It was then that Jeb! explained that he had gone to court to have his last name name legally removed, becoming simply “Jeb!” Having dropped the Bush officially, he said he “had to wait for the government — of course — to process a change in my official 19-B I Wanna Be Prez-Prez form that all potential candidates have to fill out.” Jeb! said that he wanted to pay homage to his favorite funky guitar playing pop star Prince and also include some kind of symbol in his name, and at the same time he “wanted to make people excited when Jeb left their lips, so I chose the exclamation mark as my last name.”

It was about a 15 minute speech that Jeb! gave in Saddle Crack, in which he laid out his economic vision that includes “giving the economy back to the people in whose hands it has always belonged — my fellow rich-ass peers.” He also said that he is taking a “very philosophical” approach to the election, not even “giving a single shit-crusted fuck” about whether he takes the election next November. “The bottom line for me in this election is something bigger,” Jeb! told the crowd. “My main objective, win or lose, is to disown my last name!”

“No longer will I be beholden to the reputation for utter failure that being a Bush president carries with it,” Jeb! told his audience. “Sure, electing me would almost seem to indicate that the American public has a near fetish for wars of choice and ruined economies, but if you don’t remember that I’m related to those utter and complete abysmal failures then maybe when I inevitably fall on my face, it’ll somehow seem shocking, and that’s something, at least.”