CORAL GABLES, FLORIDA — 2016 Republican presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has a brother who some may have heard of. His brother’s name is George W. Bush and he was the president before President Barack Obama, and he also quite famously started two very expensive wars, one of which was most certainly started after a rather dubious set of facts were presented to the nation and to the international community, but Jeb doesn’t want to talk about any of that stuff. As he put it over the weekend he, “won’t talk about the past,” but that’s not all that Jeb doesn’t want to talk about.
On Saturday night, security at Jeb’s home in Florida found a flaming bag of dog feces had been left on the porch with a note that said, “Thought you might be able to use this in your upcoming run. I was going to have you leave it on Hillary’s porch, but I forgot and lit it anyway. Sorry, I forget stuff! From Dubya.” Authorities speculate this might have been some kind of prank perpetrated on Jeb, but when reached for comment, Jeb was mum.
“Did this happen in the past, or is it happening right now?” Jeb asked our reporter in our phone interview. When our reporter told him that technically it was in the past because it was a couple of days ago the flaming bag of dog excrement was left on the porch, Jeb shushed the reporter and said, “Sorry. Past. I don’t talk about stuff in the past. I wasn’t the one who lit the dog shit on fire; that was my brother. You’ll have to talk to him about it.”
“Governor Bush is just pragmatic about the past, present and future,” said Molly Laquis, the vice-secretary of Jeb Bush 2016’s operation in Wet Falls, Florida. “He knows he can’t do anything about the past, so why comment on it just because he happens to be related to someone who did something and the country might be concerned that he is of a similar disposition to his brother,” Laquis asked rhetorically.
We asked Laquis if Jeb had other done something similar to leaving a flaming bag dog poop on someone’s doorstep. “Of course he has. He’s a rich, entitled asshole and has behaved as such his entire life,” explained Laquis. “That’s sort of one of the perks of being rich and in the elite ruling class — the rules don’t apply to you,” she explained further.
So does that mean Americans wary of another Dubya-style president in the White House should worry about what Jeb might do? “Of course not,” said Laquis. “Jeb’s his own man. He’s not a carbon copy of George,” Laquis told our reporter. “He’ll start his own wars based on his own lies, thank you very much.”
We asked Laquis why her boss is so averse to commenting on things his brother has done. Her response was, “Because the more Jeb talks about George, the more the country is reminded that George is Jeb’s brother, and that’s when they might start to look elsewhere.” Does Jeb think there’s something to be concerned about with three members of just one family holding the highest office in the land in a matter of less than thirty years being very similar to the kind of familial dynasties that the United States broke away from during its revolution? Not according to Laquis, he doesn’t.
“Did the American Revolution happen in the past,” asked Laquis. “Yeah, then Jeb doesn’t care about.” Our reporter decided to run down a list of historical events that still have some meaning in today’s world to see if she had any thoughts from Jeb on any of it.
The internment of Japanese Americans during World War II? “In the past, no comment,” said Ms. Laquis. Teddy Roosevelt busting up Standard Oil and some of the other massive monopolies that had helped essentially buy the White House for Teddy’s predecessor, William McKinley? “Yeah, that happened in the past, so Jeb doesn’t care.” The Holocaust? “No Comment,” said Laquis.
Our reporter then lobbed what she thought was a softball. How about slavery? Does the former governor have a position or perspective on slavery? Like any good conservative Republican, it turns out Jeb does have an opinion on slavery.
“Governor Bush is a firm believer in states’ rights and believes that Abraham Lincoln should have just let the free market handle abolishing slavery,” said Laquis, “even though there were no signs that left to its own devices the Southern economy would have moved away from slavery of its own volition.”
Finally, what about abortion and Roe V. Wade. That was in the past, so surely Jeb must feel that it’s a settled issue, not worth weighing into right? Wrong. According to Laquis, “Oh, no, Next President Bush has strong feelings on abortion. He’s a devout Catholic and as such believes every sperm is sacred. He believes life begins at erection and would support a complete moratorium on all abortions unless of course the career of a Republican politician is threatened.”
“The bottom line,” Laquis told our reporter as the conversation was winding down, “is that Jeb knows the country doesn’t want to wallow in the past unless it’s about a subject that conservatives are outraged over.”
If Jeb is elected, he would represent the first three-generational familial president, and would get the Bush family one punch closer on their “Every Sixth Presidency is Free” customer loyalty card.