Stomberg, New Hampshire — At a recent rally, presumptive 2016 Republican presidential primary candidate Jeb Bush announced that he has brought in some new advisers to the Jeb 2016 team. Jeb made headlines this week by tapping his brother — former President and war monger turned painter — George W. Bush to advise him on foreign policy matters. “We’re pleased to bring my brother on board this campaign,” Jeb told the crowd in the small New Hampshire town of Stomberg on Wednesday. “We want to show the American people we will get the right people for the right job, and who better to advise me on foreign policy than the guy who helped us get into the greatest war of all time — Iraq,” asked Jeb rhetorically. “In the Bush family we refer to that war as Daddy’s Revenge, and we’re all so very proud of Georgie for sending those 4,000 plus American boys and girls to their graves in the name of war profits and revenge on a man who embarrassed our pappy!”
“So it’s with this hiring philosophy in mind that I am pleased to announce that we have made some additional hires,” the former Florida governor told the assembled crowd. “That’s why we’ve asked Dick Cheney to be our Truth Telling Adviser, Justin Bieber to be our Non-Douchebag Adviser, Michele Bachmann to be our Intellectual and Cogent Point Adviser, and this one I just got confirmation on,” Jeb said with an ear-to-ear-grin, “we’ve tapped The Incredible Hulk to be our Gently Tickling People adviser!”
Some on the Hill are a little confused as to why Team Jeb would be hiring people whose reputations and past actions in no way indicate they are qualified to serve in any role related to the job they are being hired for. At a press conference after the rally, reporters asked Jeb about this seemingly paradoxical hiring approach he’s taken. “For starters, you won’t get me with any gotcha questions, okay,” the Other Bush Brother said. “I’ll make my hiring decisions based on my own criteria, thank you very much. It just so happens that we Bushes have a different view than the typical D.C. bureaucrat. We happen to have a different world view. One that is shaped first by how many illegal wars we can be a part of — Pappy had a couple he was tied too thanks to Uncle Ronnie’s administration, and we all know how many awesome wars my brother started,” Jeb told the media.
“Our world view is so different, some have accused us of living in Opposite Land, where up is down, down is up, and Saddam had an active nuclear weapons program he was pursuing at the time of the Iraq Invasion,” the Florida Republican said. “We don’t believe in ‘common sense’ or even ‘things remotely making sense in the slighest.’ We believe in doing what our gut says,” Jeb said. Reporters asked Jeb if he thinks moderate voters will understand his philosophy of bringing in people who may not seem even the slightest way possible qualified for the jobs he’s giving him. “I think first and foremost voters understand that when you vote for a Bush, you’re getting a track record of proven success,” Bush said, “and we just go from there.”
“Seriously,” Jeb said to the reporters, “I can’t understand why anyone would vote for another member of a family that didn’t leave the country’s economy in tatters. I can’t get why anyone would vote for a woman who’s only accomplishments are becoming a highly-educated and successful attorney, a U.S. Senator, and the Secretary of State when they could vote for a guy who used his power and influence as governor to help make sure his brother became president and oversaw the worst economic collapse of our lifetimes, on top of bunging every single thing he touched in the realm of foreign policy…for which I have hired him to advise me, natch,” Bush said at one point.
Jeb told the media he “just wants to have [his] turn” and “it’s not fair if the Clintons get to go next” because “Daddy promised me it would go to me next.”
Neither The Hulk, nor Dr. Bruce Banner were available for immediate comment, but a spokesman for Cheney said he is “delighted” to be “in a place of power and influence where he can dictate — er — advise from the shadows.” Bachmann said she “is just so golly-gosh pumped to be working on a team of such proven winners.” There has never been a family in which a father and two sons both held the presidency. John Adams and John Quincy Adams were father and son, but no family has ever managed to get two offspring from a previous administration into the Oval Office.