Trump Suggests Jared Kushner ‘Go Old School’ and Use Tin Can and String to Reach Moscow

AIR FORCE ONE — Flying high above Europe, President Donald Trump has reportedly asked son-in-law Jared Kushner to make a few modifications to back channel communications many outlets are reporting Kushner setup with Russia during the transition between the Obama and Trump administrations.

The story initially broke via The Washington Postbut since then both The New York Times and ABC News have confirmed the reports that Kushner pushed for a secret line of communication between the White House and the Kremlin. Whether or not that means Mr. Kushner lied on government forms when applying for his security clearance is a matter for Congress and the courts. Aides are saying, however, that Mr. Trump has become a little wary of scandal, and is hoping the changes he suggested to Kushner will help keep everything legal and on the up and up.

“Jared, I want you to scrap whatever communications you’ve got setup with the Russians,” Trump reportedly told Kushner.

Mr. Kushner seemed confused.

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“But, sir, I mean Dad, I mean Don, I mean Mr. President,” Kushner said, trying to remember which role he was playing at the moment, “you need those lines of communication, don’t you? To keep Uncle Vlad happy?”

Trump nodded.

“Yes, but Jared,” the president said, “I’ve read reports that say it might have been very illegal what you did. So I’m thinking we just need to get a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really long bit of string, and a couple of good, strong, AMERICAN MADE tin cans, and then they can’t call it illegal.”

“But, Dad, I mean Don, I mean Mr. President,” Kushner said, “how? That doesn’t make sense.”

Trump laughed.

“Oh, you silly boy,” the president playfully patted Kushner’s head, “because it’s just a tree house phone that way. And there’s nothing illegal about two heads of state forming a No Girls Allowed Club and using tin cans and string to communicate. Go old school, Jared. Get me some fuckin’ tin cans and string.”

Kushner looked to White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who just shrugged. Then Kushner turned to Kellyanne Conway, who was too busy playing Solitaire on her smart phone and didn’t even know Jared was in the same part of Air Force One with them. Finally, Kushner turned to Steve Bannon, who stopped self-pleasuring himself to pictures of Nazi death camps he had Stephen Miller take for him while on the Trump White House’s first international trip, just long enough to Kushner the stubby thumbs-up.

Jared sighed.

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“Okay, Dad, I mean Don, I mean sir, I mean Mr. President,” Kushner said, “tin can and strings it is. I’ll let you know when it’s all set up.”

Mr. Trump smiled. He patted Kushner on the head. Then the president picked up a copy of Hooters and Jugs Magazine and started idly flipping through the pages.

“That’s great, kid, really great,” Trump said, “now, send our wife back here would you? I need to discuss some things with her that just popped up.”

Moments later, Ivanka Trump appeared. The press was then shoved out of the room, and the president was left alone with his daughter and First Lady, who are of course the exact same person. Because Donald Trump, billionaire, reality-TV star, real estate “mogul,” and now President of the United States of America…wants to see his daughter naked. A lot. Like, all the time. Because he’s kinda gross.

Follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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