FBI Director Decides He’s ‘Okay With Voters Deciding Election After All’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After a bout of “Election Day jitters” and “democratic cold feet,” FBI Director James Comey announced he was “okay with the voters deciding the election after all.”

“I have to admit,” Comey was overheard telling a friend at a D.C. area deli, “I went back and forth on this one a lot.”

Comey told the friend dining with him he had initially “wanted to have a bigger say than the voters” because “who else knows what’s best for the country than a rogue group of FBI agents and the bureau’s director.” Then, he said, sometime this summer he decided to “let the Constitution do its thing” and allow the voters to have their say without his interference. That’s when he says he decided to go before Congress and explain why the FBI wasn’t recommending charges against Hillary Clinton over her use of a private email server.

“I mean, sure” Comey said, “I used enough charged rhetoric to keep the right-wing conspiracy theorist and/or their base’s hopes alive. But at that point I had decided to just let the Constitution do its thing.”

Sipping from his sweet tea and chomping down on his ham and cheese on rye sandwich, Comey explained that everything stayed the same until just a couple weeks ago.

“That’s when we found those emails on Huma’s laptop,” Comey explained, “and it got me thinking maybe putting my thumb on the scales would be a good thing. Because it’s cool that voters can have a say, but shouldn’t the FBI director get a bigger say? Just saying.”

But when the FBI’s investigators combed through over 650,000 new emails and found that most were duplicates of emails that they’d already checked out, Comey says he had yet another change of heart.

“Believe me,” Comey told his buddy, “I know it sounds crazy, but maybe we should let the voters be the ones who decide. I may never feel a hundred percent sure, but it seems like that’s maybe what the Founders have in mind. And you could probably make a good argument that it’s worked for 240 years so far. But still, we’ll probably never know if it would have been better for me to just make a formal recommendation from the FBI and the voters be allowed to only pick from the list I gave them.”

While Comey said he’ll “always be skeptical” of voters “having the smarts to chose the FBI-approved candidate,” he remains hopeful, he told his friend, that the public will one day change its mind about self-governance.

“I guess,” Comey said, “I just have to keep the hope alive that one day the people of this nation will realize that choosing your own leader is so overrated when you can just have an unelected government official tip the election the way he wants it to go for you. Voting is hard. Thinking is hard. So why not let the FBI do all the thinking for you? One day, dude. One day I’ll get my dream.”

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


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