James Comey Seen Running Through Streets of Philadelphia Ahead of Congressional Testimony

PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA — Former FBI Director James Comey will be delivering what is likely the most highly-anticipated congressional testimony in decades this week. Comey is expected to testify about meetings he had with President Donald Trump in which the FBI’s still ongoing probe into ties between Russian operatives and Trump’s presidential campaign. The buzz in Washington has been growing to a near fever pitch.

Back in May, Trump fired Comey, saying that the rank and file in the FBI had lost confidence in Comey. Shortly after Comey’s firing, word of the potential existence of memos he’d written about his encounters with Trump prior to be fired leaked. It is widely assumed that Comey will break his public silence about whether or not Trump put pressure on him to end the Russia probe.

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In preparation for his testimony, Comey has reportedly been seen in and around the city of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, participating in such events as pummeling frozen sides of beef and running through the streets, finishing up at the art museum with his hands raised triumphantly in the air.

“I saw Comey running down the street the other day,” one Philadelphia resident told her local news station, “and he was in a gray jogging suit, high-fiving people as he ran by them. Everyone was cheering him on.”

Another resident said he saw Comey at the grocery store buying sixteen dozen eggs, which the fired FBI director said he was going to crack into a glass and drink raw, every morning, before heading out on his training jogs.

“Comey told the cashier he was trying hard now,” the man indicated, “And I gotta say, he was looking strong now,” the man said, “feeling strong now. Before he left the store, he told me he had to run out to the airport because he had to fly now…back home to get some fresh underwear. Good guy.”

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It’s unclear at this point whether what Comey will testify to rises to the level of obstruction of justice, or any other truly impeachable offense. People in Philadelphia say that Comey has given no indication one way or the other what he will be saying. They simply note that he seems to be in training for “one hell of a fight,” one long time resident said.

“I saw him heading into the meat locker at this new restaurant called The Italian Stallion,” a lifelong Philadelphia resident told her local newspaper, “and he told the hostess he was there to beat up on some sides of beef. I have no idea what that has to do with talking in front of Congress, but I do see how pummeling a bull would get you ready to take on Trump. So there’s that, I guess.”

When asked by a local reporter, Comey said he chose to come to Philadelphia for “historical” reasons.

“Philadelphia was the literal birthplace of our republic,” Comey told the news outlet, “and I thought this would be the most appropriate place in America to train for the testimony that could help save it. If people are paying attention. Which, I’m not really holding my breath for.”

The White House could not be reached for comment.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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