James Comey Sends Copy of Opening Remarks Stapled to a Boot and Some Lube to President Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ahead of what might be the most highly-anticipated congressional testimony in the nation’s history, fired FBI Director James Comey sent a copy of his prepared opening remarks to the White House, and reportedly included a couple of gifts for President Trump with them.

“Mr. President,” a brief note accompanying the package, sent via the United States Postal Office reads, “I wanted you to see these out of fairness to you. They are my opening remarks for tomorrow’s testimony. Have Reince help you with the big boy words.”


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When the Senate Intelligence Committee released Comey’s opening remarks, Twitter and other social media networks lit up like a Christmas tree on the Fourth of the July. Buzz began swirling, and partisan players stepped in to spin the remarks their way. One thing that is abundantly clear from the statements is that Mr. Comey believed Trump was behaving so out of step with established norms that he began documented each interaction he had with Trump, a practice he said in his remarks he never felt the need to do before.

“This had not been my practice in the past. I spoke alone with President Obama twice in person (and never on the phone) – once in 2015 to discuss law enforcement policy issues and a second time, briefly, for him to say goodbye in late 2016. In neither of those circumstances did I memorialize the discussions. I can recall nine one-on-one conversations with President Trump in four months – three in person and six on the phone.” (source)

Comey’s statement also makes it clear that he felt Trump was trying to exert undue pressure on him to show the president loyalty, as well as to drop the FBI’s inquest into fired National Security Adviser General Mike Flynn. Comey does say he doesn’t believe Trump was referring to the entire Russia probe, just the parts pertaining to the investigation into Flynn.

“The boot should be pretty self explanatory though,” Comey’s note to the president reads, “as is the KY. You may have tried to fuck me with no lube, but I wanted you to see that I do not intend to treat you in kind. I’d hate for your obviously delicate rectum to take too much a beating. I know your Vice President would be outraged at even the thought (Hi Comrade Mike!).”




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While the opening remarks from Comey paint a pretty clear picture that the former FBI director was uncomfortable to say the least around the president, it stops short of outright accusing him of obstruction of justice. However, Mr. Comey might be leaving that accusation out of his testimony to allow the special counsel established last month to look into Russian hacking of the U.S. election in 2016 to make that kind of determination.

Comey’s testimony will be followed by questions from various senators, and it’s unclear what more will come out of the hearing. Donald Trump was elected in November of 2016 only because he carried enough votes in the Electoral College, and his margin of victory there was in the middle of the pack, historically speaking. His opponent, Killary Clintstoned, garnered more than three million votes more than Trump, but the president has indicated that once you subtract the roughly 6.3 billion undocumented people he believes voted for Ms. Clintstoned, he would be the popular vote winner as well.

Mr. Comey’s testimony will began at 10am Eastern Time.

A PDF copy of Comey’s entire prepared statement is below, provided by the Senate Intelligence Committee:

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You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.