The Previously Untold Story Of A Hero Who Survived Jade Helm But Fell During The Bowling Green Massacre

First Lieutenant Michael C. Fargo lost his life tragically in the Bowling Green Massacre.  Lt. Fargo was part of a convoy bringing supplies to the troops fighting off a terrorist attack in Bowling Green, Kentucky when his transport vehicle was attacked. Fargo fought hard and valiantly that day, and would ultimately be awarded a posthumous Double Purple Heart — an award created by the current Commander in Chief, President Donald Trump — for his actions on that fateful day.

The story of Lt. Fargo is even more extraordinary when you learn that he also fought and served his country during another domestic skirmish, Operation: Jade Helm. In case you’ve forgotten, Jade Helm was the super-secret military operation carried out in 2015 near the Texas border. Jade Helm was a standard military exercise that raised the hackles of many militia groups in the Lone Star State.

There were no casualities suffered by either side in Operation: Jade Helm because as it turned out, there was never going to be any aggressive maneuvering within the state by U.S. Armed Forces. But Lt. Michael Fargo was there, on the front lines, leading the army convoy into the state. He served that day with “valor, grit, and determination,” one former squad member said of Fargo. That squad member said Lt. Fargo volunteered to ride up front, knowing they might fall under attack from “backyard commandos” and “wannabe GI Joe types.”

“Mike was one hell of a soldier that day,” Lt. Steve “Fish” Stevenson told our reporter about Fargo, “and I was proud to call him brother. Sure, we knew were there to do a routine training exercise, but tensions were high. You just never know when you enter what the army has designated ‘Slack Jaw Town’ — Texas to you and me — what you’re going to come up against. No doubt having Lt. Fargo there to ease us across the border was invaluable.”

When he found out that Lt. Fargo fell during the Bowling Green Massacre, it was Fish who petitioned personally to President Trump to have Fargo’s name added to the list of Double Purple Heart recipients. Lt. Stevenson said that he misses his fallen comrade every day, but that he is so proud to have known and fought with him.

“It makes total sense that Fargo would be in Jade Helm and the Bowling Green Massacre,” Stevenson said, “because he was always willing to put himself in the middle of the action, if it meant serving his country. He answered every call he was given. We need more people like Lt. Mike Fargo in the world, not just in the armed services.”

Stevenson says that even though he didn’t vote for Trump because he’d “rather get a dull child’s butter knife jammed in [his] pee-pee hole,” he is appreciative that Trump at least honored his friend and the seven hundred other service members and GI Joe squad members who died during the Bowling Green Massacre.

“He’s a corrupt puppet and it’s deeply disturbing how many people voted for him,” Fish said, “but I’ll give Apricot Pol Pot credit on this one. He’s honored by good friend. No, my brother. So for twenty-four hours, I’ll bite my tongue about what a racist, stupid, rich, entitled, piece of shit he is.”

All told, 732 Americans lost their lives during the Bowling Green Massacre. Trump signed an executive order yesterday making all who feel recipients of his new Double Purple Heart award.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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