J. Hubert Christ: Heaven’s Email System Downed By Flood of Prayers for Bernie Sanders Victory

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Holy Trinity Inc.’s CEO has confirmed at the time of publication that their electronic prayer request converter — the email network God’s employees use to transmit. coordinate, concatenate, fold, spindle, sort, and prioritize the prayer requests of all the known and unknown dimensions and universes contained therein — is currently down and there is no estimated time of restoral of service.

“Pretty much whether you’re asking for your football team to make the big kick, or for your colon cancer screening to come back negative, or for that guy at work you know told your boss you were talking shit about him behind his back — which you were — to get colon cancer,” said J. Hubert Christ, Chief Salvation Officer of Holy Trinity, at an emergency press conference held outside the Pearly Gates. Christ added that every prayer request is “now officially on hold.” Mr. Of Nazareth told reporters that he has “never seen such an onslaught of prayer requests” about the same issue before and that “Democrats, Independents, and even some Republicans” are among those asking his boss to see to it that the self-described Democratic Socialist wins the 2016 presidential election.

“The guy’s got insane crossover appeal,” Christ said, continuing, “because he’s the one guy out there telling it like it is. He’s railing against the corrupting influence of money in politics, and he’s not taking donations from Super PACs. He has nearly half a million contributions from small donors. When Bernie says he thinks or feels a certain way, people get the sense he’s not full of it, and so they want to hear more. Even if they’re initially turned off by the word ‘socialism.'”

Christ told reporters that from the prayer requests he’s seen so far though, fear mongering over the use of that word — socialism — has not been as effective as it was in years past, and he thinks he knows why.

“This isn’t the 1950’s anymore,” Christ said, “and people have not only gotten themselves better educated about the different political philosophies, they’ve gotten themselves the Internet.” Christ said he firmly believes the Internet’s ability to connect people from all over the world is a reason that more and more Americans are seeing their friends’ quality of lives overseas, and they realize that “just because you slap the word socialism on something, that doesn’t make it an idea straight from the pits of Hell,” according to Mr. The Only Begotten Son.

“Besides, if I told you about a system of economics that intentionally created an underclass of people that had very little to live on, and that there were people who think nothing should be done by their government to help those people out of poverty, would you assume the idea for that particular economic system came from me — the Prince of Peace who told you all to take care of poor people — or from Satan, the guy who doesn’t give a shit about anyone or anything,” Christ asked rhetorically.

According to Christ, Holy Trinity’s information technology department is working “round the clock” to bring the prayer request system back up. “And since in eternity there is no day or night, or time really,” Christ said, “that means pretty much forever.”

“Obviously people are hoping a miracle happens and this older, slightly irascible, cantankerous Jewish guy with a heart of gold can beat the forces of oligarchy fighting against him,” Mr. Of Nazareth told reporters, adding that the fight was coming “not just from his opponents in the other party, but from the establishment in his own party.” Christ said he can tell that “people are wanting a Teddy Roosevelt type to come in and remind the free market vultures that have started picking his country’s economic carcass clean that they weren’t elected by anyone — that they aren’t the ones who wield the power in a democratic republic.” He said he can also tell that “Bernie could galvanize people all over the political spectrum because maybe people think the government should spend less, but nearly everyone agrees that corporate welfare is more insulting and detrimental to society than feeding poor families.”

While J. Hubert said he “never takes a side or endorses mortal politicians” of any stripe, he said he does see why the American people would be drawn to Sanders. “Anyone who is tired of the same old politician who is tied to his or her corporate backers more than the people they are supposed to represent,” Christ said, “then of course someone like Sanders will appeal to you. Maybe you’re scared of what his ideas will cost; I’d advise you to remember that something like universal health care would actually save trillions of dollars over ten years, but again, my name’s Paul and this is between y’all.”

Christ said that as soon as the prayer request and answer system is back online, an all-clear alert will be sent and people will start seeing their prayers answered again shortly thereafter.


James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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