WASHINGTON, D.C. — The nation’s capital was flooded with speculation and rumor so rampant after a recent tweet that Pretty Much First Lady Ivanka Trump sent that it seems to have forced the Trump administration to issue a rushed, blanket denial for “any and all implied and not-implied transgressions that can be inferred and not inferred from Ivanka’s tweet.” The hubbub started stirring when Ivanka joined the millions of women on social media platforms all around the country and tweeted, “#MeToo.”
The hashtag is a show of solidarity and awareness for sexual assault, harassment, and misconduct perpetrated by men against women. In the last few days famous women as well as hundreds of thousands of rank and file females have used the hashtag to tell their own stories of inappropriate and unwanted sexual attention. The hashtag is a result of the sordid details of Harvey Weinstein’s serial sexually predatory behavior has rocked the entertainment industry.
This morning, Ivanka tweeted a very short message of “#Metoo #SorryDaddy.” It was the second hashtag that caused the D.C. rumor mill to kick into overtime. What Ivanka meant by the additional hashtag was not readily apparent, as she didn’t tweet anything else the rest of the day. Because Ms. Trump’s motivations were unclear at the time, the White House issued the following statement of blanket denial for any “wrongdoings or totally gross, unfatherly behavior.”
The White House statement is reprinted below, verbatim.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA officially, flatly, and completely denies under no uncertain terms culpability for any and all implied and not-implied transgressions that can be inferred and not inferred from Ivanka Trump’s recent tweet. We are unsure what could even remotely be implied there, and have no idea why all the FAKE NEWS media outlets are speculating right now, but to reiterate — President Donald Trump has never and will never do anything that can be considered wrongdoings or totally gross, unfatherly behavior.
In fact, the president doesn’t even really know what #MeToo even means. But he is always very happy to see tweets from his sweet, sweet Vankie. She’s so beautiful, isn’t she, folks? So very, very beautiful. Sometimes the president looks at Ivanka and thinks to himself, “Damn! If she wasn’t my daughter, I’d grab her so fast her pussy would spin.” None of that, however, means that he has or ever will, say or do anything sexually abusive toward his sweet, sexy, hot as fuck Ivanka.
To be totally honest, fam, the president thinks all this negative covfefe of his relationship with his daughter is a distraction, made up by the FAKE NEWS media. All they want is to tear him down. Why do you think they insist on quoting him accurately instead of spinning it like the true, blue American patriots of Fox News and Breitbart do? That’s right. Because they can’t handle how awesome our Dear President really is, the cucks!
So the bottom line is simple — the President of the United States does not want to fucks his daughter Ivanka. Not anymore. It’s not worth it, because some mealy-mouthed libtard/fellow American would take offense at even the suggestion. And then he’d have to explain why it’s totally normal for the aristocracy to inbreed, and he’s not sure you plebs you would understand it even if he tried to explain it.
Okay, that’s it. Stop recording. STOP. STOP! GODDAMN IT HOW DO YOU GET THIS STUPID VOICE TO TEXT SHIT TO STOP?! VANKIE! GET YOUR TIGHT ASS IN HERE AND HELP DADDY TURN THIS OFF…and then we can turn something else on. Oh shit — GODDAMN IT THIS THING IS STILL
Hours after her tweet was sent, Ivanka was seen heading into a local, D.C. area fashion boutique. She was stopped by reporters and asked if she’d heard about the controversy growing around her tweet. She said she “never pays attention to anything” and that helps her conscience stay as clean as her brother “Don Jr’s hunting undies when he sees a lion coming after him.” The Might As Well Be First Lady did explain the second hashtag she used, however.
“I was just saying sorry I was tweeting instead of bringing him his robe and slippers in my special Daughter’s Teddy he bought me last year from Frederick’s of Hollywood,” Ivanka said without a care in the world, “Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”