WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Donald Trump celebrates his birthday. In typical Trump fashion, he plans to have a party in his honor, which he told reporters yesterday will “be different from the regular parties we have to celebrate” himself. One way he said this party will be different is that his daughter Ivanka will be serenading him with a version of the traditional birthday song, “Happy Birthday to You.”
“Oh, and let me tell you folks,” Mr. Trump told reporters as he left to get his birthday doughnuts, “I’ve gotten a sneak peak at what Ivanka’s going to be wearing, and HOLY COW! That dress! Mmmm, hmmm. Gives me the vapors, if you know what I mean.”
“You know, the vapors in my pants,” the president explained.
The party will have have a guest list made up of conservative A-list celebrities like Anthony Sabato, Jr., Scott Baio, the angry raisin that was once Clint Eastwood, and the decaying corpse of Ronald Reagan. Popular, Republican-friendly music artists like Kid Rock, Toby Keith, and a drunken racist redneck on a porch with a banjo will be playing sets at the party. Trump promises a “bigly wonderful time” for all in attendance or watch the broadcast of the party.
“This one’s major folks,” Trump said, “really bigly major. I don’t think any president has ever celebrated a birthday in office before have they? Has any president ever had a birthday before me? I don’t think so. And as long as it’s in my head with all farts and racist Breitbart headlines, it’s reality as far as I’m concerned.”
President Trump indicated that when Steve Bannon heard there was going to be a party, he got “very, very excited” and offered to plan some very special things for it. Bannon is a “party expert,” Trump says, and there’s a particular kind of party that the former Breitbart executive is particularly skilled in planning. Mr. Bannon reportedly hired “good friend” Richard Spencer to handle those details.
“The kind of party that Richard’s good at planning,” Trump said, “is a little uncouth by modern standards, which we’re working on. So I told Steve he’s got to work with Richard and have him tone it down. We can’t actually lynch anyone, unless it’s Crooked Hillary. Just kidding! Just kidding! Jeez, calm down everyone.”
The president’s birthday party will air on Fox News and the KKK radio network in a simulcast.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.